My Opinion of Sheets

I don't think that bedsheets were meant to be crispy.

If I'm getting into bed, I don't think that I should feel as if I'm sleeping between two pieces of toast. Burnt toast.

I think that sheets should be soft; they should conform almost weightlessly to the shape of the body they're covering.

To achieve this state of delicious softness, they have to be washed in the hottest hot water the washing machine is willing to spew out. Sheets have to be washed over and over again before they're put on the bed for the first time, in hot water. With fabric softener, the kind that smells like a dessert made out of rainbows and sunbeams.

On no account should sheets be washed once, in warm water because they're a really nice deep cranberry color with little white flower sprigs, dried with a dryer sheet (abomination) and then put on the bed. And then the person who gets into bed first should never, ever feel the need to say, "Oh, finally! Some bed sheets that don't feel like the tissues that people's grannies stuff in the sleeves of their little sweaters."