The fare at the fair is beyond all compare

The girls and I went to the fair today to do some room hosting. That's the thing you do when you arm yourself with a night stick and some pepper spray and patrol the rooms where club members' 4-H projects are displayed and swiftly and silently beat to a throbbing pulp anyone who so much touches one tentative forefinger to a rocket. Or a stale cookie. Or a scrapbook, poster describing the mating cycle of rabbits, floor lamp or slightly crooked bird house.

But because I am a non-violent person, my favorite thing to do is wait until someone's doting auntie is carefully thumbing through her niece's notebook which explains the differences between yeast bread and quick bread, sneak up quietly behind her, shielding my Room Hostess badge with my hand and shout, "DON'T TOUCH THE PROJECTS!!!"

I may have


slightly


exaggerated


my role as Room Hostess at the 4-H Fair, but it made a better story than what I really did, which was walk around for the first few minutes, looking at all the projects I've already seen before, then sit on a hard chair, yawning and longing for a Crystal Light lemonade, until our time was up.

We met Nanny and Poppy at three o'clock so that we could get a quick snack to fortify ourselves for our journey through the rabbit/chicken/mini goat barn, the cattle barn, the llama pavilion an the sheep barn, which smelled so bad, I was gagging before I could make it across the place from one door to the other.

FAIR SNACK FOOD CONSUMED

1 elephant ear

2 bags popcorn

1 watermelon slushy

1 chocolate milkshake

1 ear roasted corn-on-the-cob

1 funnel cake

1 more chocolate milkshake, purchased when Nanny discovered what a really premium dairy treat it was

3 bottles of water

We sat in the picnic pavilion and ate this entire truckload of food, the five of us, sitting there with a number of other folks who were all doing the same thing.

"Oh, I'm so full," we kept saying. "Here, Meelyn, take this five dollars and run back to the blue vending truck and get us another funnel cake."

"And don't forget the napkins! Or the nachos!" someone else would call out with a full mouth.

When we were so stuffed we could barely move, we all set off, waddling, for the animal exhibits. In the heat of the day. In the sun.

I know.

Everything went pretty well until we got to that sheep barn, where I woozily began to feel that the crowd might be warned to jump back, because a fearsome display of fair food was going to shortly be making an appearance. Or reappearance, as it were.

Once out of the hellstink of the sheep barn, I felt much better. The mini-goats, regular goats, bunnies, dairy cows, and llamas were all a lot of fun. I want a goat so bad, I could just cry. A little mini-goat to be my friend, and I would name her Barb. For some reason, female goats always look like they should be named Barb to me.

Aisling had to be repeatedly warned to watch where she was stepping. Meelyn enjoyed the goats as much as I did, because they were so friendly.

All too soon, we were famished again and had to head off for a ribeye sandwich. Poppy treated us all, so the following food was consumed for dinner, free of charge for me.

DINNER FAIR FOOD CONSUMED

5 ribeye sandwiches

5 bottles of water

4 packets of Crystal Light lemonade

The sandwiches were the best - absolutely delicious -- and we all solemnly turned and saluted the cattle barn.

DESSERT FAIR FOOD BROUGHT HOME BY MEELYN

1 giant pickle

My husband had to work late tonight, so he missed all the fun of sidestepping different species of poop. I wanted to bring him an apple dumpling, but when we walked up to the Home Extension Office's cafeteria, it was closed. So...

FAIR FOOD SORROWFULLY NOT OBTAINED

1 apple dumpling

Tomorrow is project pick-up day and also the day of our little awards presentation. I am really looking forward to it.

And maybe to snagging one more bag of popcorn before the fair closes down for another year.

Then it will be time to start thinking about the State Fair. Whooopeee!!! Meat on a stick! Italian sausage with peppers! Lemon ices!

I can hardly wait.