Eat, drink and be merry

I heard a report on a morning news show detailing that stuff you did back when you were in junior high could possibly give you cancer. Yep. All you thought you were doing was sitting on a beach towel at the neighborhood pool, smearing yourself with Hawaiian Tropics and listening to the Bay City Rollers and wondering how long it would be for your parents to decide that you were responsible enough to wear contact lenses instead of glasses, but the real agenda was IMPENDING DEATH.

This kind of stuff really ticks me off. Drinking alcohol will not only rot your liver, but also give you cancer of the esophagus. (But conversely, not drinking alcohol may make you more likely to have a heart attack.) Eating cheeseburgers from McDonald's in 1982 may well have set you up for a quadruple bypass in 2012. Don't even get me started on what smoking has done to your lungs, other than make them look like the crumpled pieces of black tissue paper that you took out of your gift bag full of menthol Virginia Slims - a little present from Satan to you. Enjoy!

I don't know what to make of all this. If the medical science industry had its way, I think they'd make us all go crouch in a closet with a treadmill and a bottle of water for company, nervously crunching carrot sticks. ORGANIC carrot sticks. You big loser. You thought oat bran was good for you? Hahahaha....

What a world.