The incredible, inedible Abe

I sat down at the computer this afternoon to check my email and read the news, bringing with me a very small handful of candy corn, maybe five or six pieces, which I intended to relish: first you nibble off the white tip, then you carefully bite off the yellow top, then you consume the orange middle part, moving on to the next corn and proceeding in the same deliberate manner.

You'd think that anyone as meticulous a candy-corn-eater as I am would have thought to bring a little plate or even a paper napkin to put them on, wouldn't you? But I didn't. And the walk back into the kitchen to get either object just seemed sooo faaar. So I inelegantly dumped them on top of my desk like a barbarian, reflecting that my mother would have not only gotten a plate, but she also would have put a doily on it.

This rebellion against the proper order of things is why, about two minutes later, I accidentally picked up a stray penny that was also on top of my desk, its color blending in with the wood of the desk so well, I hadn't even noticed it.

Trust me on this: there are better ways to get a little copper in your diet than by trying to eat a penny. First of all, hard to chew. Second of all, MONEY IS DIRTY. And third, I may never stop gagging. Thank heaven I managed to spit it back out nearly as soon as it went in. What if I'd swallowed it?

WHAT IF I'D SWALLOWED IT?!?!