Out of the woods and right back in again

Like many people around the world, I was sitting on the edge of my seat on the couch, holding a fortifying mug of coffee, waiting for Tiger Woods to make his big, fat mea culpa to us all and I got largely what I expected, which was a scripty, wooden bit of face-time before the camera in which he at least had the decency not to wear one of those jackets he got at Augusta. He was dressed in conservative blue-on-blue (a color that presumably fits his mood), kind of like a mid-day news anchor.

It's hard to criticize his performance because he is, after all, known for his skills as a golfer and not as an actor. Although maybe he's not such a bad actor after all, considering that his wife, Elin, apparently had no clue that this was going on when the rest of the sporting world -- everyone from Tiger's colleagues on the links to the NASCAR circuit to those guys who do that competitive bass fishing show that airs at about three in the morning on ESPN -- did? I suppose she could be cut some slack since she's been actively involved in bearing his children for the past few years.

Anyway, the only moment of passion he showed during the whole thing was when he drew himself up to his full height and excoriated the news media for "telling lies" (hahaha, that was a bit of delicious irony, to be sure) about Elin coming across his cheating head with that nine iron. She did not, he said firmly. And she didn't beat up on the Escalade, either.

Which, well....I'm kind of sorry to hear that, you know? Tiger called it "domestic violence" and said there had never been any of that in their home, but as I reflected on his words, I couldn't help but call to mind that old Texas murder defense law that went like this: He needed killin'. As far as an assault charge pressed against Elin Woods by her loving husband goes, I'd say that a good defense for her would have been -- if she'd done it, which she didn't, just ask Tiger -- that if any man ever needed to be bonked on the head with a golf club, it was Tiger.

Maybe it's just his masculine pride that doesn't want to admit that he got taken down by a slip of a little blonde thing, a former swimsuit model who doesn't look like she could slay a a lettuce leaf wrapped around a slice of turkey breast, let alone come over all bloodthirsty like she did.

As for the broken window in the Escalade? Tiger. C'mon. Do you really expect all of us to believe that Elin broke out the back window of that vehicle with the golf club because she was trying to save you after you smooshed a sapling and crunched into a fire hydrant? Really? Because I think the mental picture of her chasing you down the driveway brandishing that nine iron like a valkyrie is just too burned into the public imagination for your heated, yet somehow feeble, protests to make any difference now.

Just when Tiger probably thought he could climb out of that sand trap and dust himself off, a new embarrassment grabbed him by the ankle and dragged him back in: a former mistress, one Veronica Siwik-Daniels, known professionally as "Joslyn James" in her career as a porn star, was at a news conference with her attorney, none other than Gloria Allred, demanding

an apology from Tiger Woods, who broke her heart by telling her he loved her. She says she "didn't deserve" all that she's been through in the past two months because of him.

At this news conference, which took place just minutes after Tiger wrapped up his bright, shiny apology and laid it at our feet, Gloria said, "Why no apology? Veronica had a three-year romantic relationship with Tiger Woods ... He led her to believe that she was the only woman in his life -- other than his wife."

Did she really manage to say this with a straight face? I picture the assembled members of the media all taking this in and shooting sidelong glances at one another, trying to stifle their mirth. Did she really just say that? Really? "He led her to believe that she was the only woman in his life -- other than his wife?" and these two women....They think?....No, they can't really think that, can they?

But they do!

"I really feel that I deserve to look at him in person -- face to face, at his eyes," said Siwik-Daniels.

You mean, kind of like Elin did when he was promising to be a faithful husband to her on their wedding day?

I think Veronica may have missed that lesson in life where an older woman looks at her and says, "Honey, if he'll cheat for you, he'll cheat on you."

Other than that bit of incredulity, the whole thing just makes me sad. Imagine that girl honestly believing that he loved her. This man, world-famous, with a wife and two children, pregnant with those children at the time their affair was going on, and she believed he loved her. She says she still loves him. I mean, at least Elin had the moxie to grab up that nine iron and break the back window out of that SUV -- oh, wait, she didn't, heh heh -- but for this girl, who quit her career as a porn star because Woods "couldn't stand the idea of her being with other men," according to a quote from Allred from the article, my gosh.

While it's just appalling that she could be so blatant and shameless about having an affair with a married man while his wife was pregnant twice, I find that I can't help but feel sorry for her because of her ridiculous gullibility. Don't get me wrong -- I feel much sorrier for Elin Woods, and for different reasons. But this Veronica chippie, she's just pitiful. And in need of many lessons about the World of Men that she hasn't picked up from, well, you know.

So! Tiger! You are totally off our Christmas card list, and don't be expecting an acknowledgment of your birthday this year, either. I hope you make good on your promise to work out your issues of greed and entitlement and become an even better husband and father than you are a golfer. Because if you aren't?

Elin may have stashed nine irons all around the house to deal with any lapses.