All I want for Christmas

When my husband saw this "as seen on TV" product on, well, the TV, he immediately called me into the room. "Hey, honey!" he yelled from his cozy seat in the recliner. "You've gotta see this thing!"

I was out in the kitchen loading the dishwasher and I sighed as I dried my hands off, thinking that if I had a dime for every time someone hollers, "MOM, C'MERE!" or "HEY, HONEY, YOU'VE GOTTA SEE THIS!" I could hire a maid to do my dishes and I could comfortably loll around in a swivel chair so that I could turn myself this way and that, amiably viewing whatever my family wanted me to see. Unless it was something upstairs, and then they'd have to wait.

My husband was happily zooming back the action on the DVR so that I could see whatever-it-was from the very beginning, and I was betting on some kind of football action that was going to involved lots of men running on a field, one of them carrying the ball (which I can never see) and nearly all of them doing pugilistic things to one another (which I can see, and which makes me cringe.) "You'll never believe this! As soon as I saw the first few seconds, I knew this was for you."

Here's what he saw:



At first, I was a teeny bit honked off, because can I be honest here? The women in this video appear to be very young - definitely under thirty. And this product seems designed for the over-eighty demographic, doesn't it? I mean, how many twenty-five year olds are worried about losing their balance in the tub and toppling over the edge while trying to wash their feet? I, on the other hand, being (*ahem* ) what the French politely call "a lady of a certain age," am indeed worried about falling over in the tub, mostly because I don't have a great sense of balance due to injuries suffered in a car accident back when I was the age of those CHILDREN in the Easy Feet commercial. Plus Beth once told me about a colleague of hers -- a woman in her thirties -- who slipped in her shower and went crashing through the glass shower doors with unpleasant results. So evidently washing one's feet can be unexpectedly hazardous.

Besides, there's just nothing I like more than a foot massage and my family members are surprisingly reluctant to oblige me in this comfort. I recently told Aisling that I'd just love it if she'd give me some coupons for free foot rubs as a Christmas gift. That way, I explained, she wouldn't have to spend any money on me and the foot massages would be something I would totally enjoy.

Aisling eyed me apprehensively and said, "I'd rather just spend the money, thanks."

I'm not sure why they all balk so much at this. I don't think my feet are any smellier than anyone else's and thanks to my husband's generous nail spa gift certificate for a Mother's Day present, I don't have unsightly calluses. My toenails are always nicely painted and trimmed and my feet themselves are actually one of the best looking parts of my whole pumpkin-shaped body, featuring lovely symmetrically aligned toes that are not bony or otherwise weirdly shaped. But anyway, the Easy Feet foot washer seems like an idea whose time has come, and at only $14.99, the price is certainly right.

I've dropped several broad hints and I'm hoping that I will be the happy recipient of an Easy Feet massager this Christmas. Keep your fingers crossed for me.