Doggie treats (Wimzie and Hershey, tagged)

Kayte's two Tibetian spaniels, Vash and Pippin, tagged Wimzie and Hershey with the following meme. The views expressed are not necessarily the views of the writer of this blog.

1. What breed are you?

Wimzie: Breed? What kind of doggist question is that? Besides, I am a person. Yes, I weigh only fourteen pounds, am covered with hair and drink from a bowl on the kitchen floor, but there's no need to label me. Isn't that just a bit bigoted and narrow? Listen, if there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Ohhhh, have it your way. I'll play your ridiculous games if I must, but know that I am doing so with the FULL AWARENESS that this is an attempt to keep me down and put me in my place.

I am a Jack Russell terrier. There. Are you happy now? All boot-button eyes and little round nose and perky ears and stubby tail, but don't let my adorable looks fool you. I'd as soon eat your arms right off your body as look at you. I bit a plumber once and killed a bullfrog in cold blood and I am not. Afraid. Of. You.

Hershey: I am the love child of a Sheltie tart named Candy and the beagle next door. They were both very nice looking dogs, but somehow, I didn't come out right. My humom says I am the Forrest Gump of dogs. I have a boxy beagle body; long, skinny Sheltie legs; a narrow, triangular head with beady brown eyes and enormous ears, plus a very long tail with a white tip. I'm also not very smart. but my mom tells me that life is like a box of Milk-Bones and I can run fast and all, although I have never had my picture taken with a U.S. president.

2. How old are you?

Wimzie: Could these questions possibly be any more nosy? I was born on August 24, 1997.

Hershey: My birthday is July 30, 2002.

3. What is your full name?

Wimzie: It is Wimzie, although I prefer to be addressed as Mrs. Wimzie, if you'd be so kind as to keep a civil tongue in your head.

Hershey: My name is Hershey Francis, named after St. Francis of Assisi. My humom and my sisters took me to the Blessing of the Pets at St. Anne's in New Castle when I was a wee puppy and my mom asked Sr. Shirley if she could take me by the tail and dip me in a holy water font so that she could see if I'd sizzle. Apparently, I did a lot of bad things when I was little.

4. Do you have any nicknames?

Wimzie: I beg your pardon. Kindly don't be fresh with me.

Hershey: I am called Hershmanzadah because my human dad is a Bengals fan. My mom and my sisters call me Mr. Cuddlesby, the Prince of Prance, Mr. Prancyboots, H. Francis, Mommy's Sweet Angel Sugarboy, Little Baby Man, Sir Snufflekins and all kinds of names. I love it when they talk baby talk to me. It makes me fall over on my side and bat at them with my paws. My dad is very embarrassed by this and he calls me Girlyman, which makes me feel bad.

5. Where do you sleep?

Wimzie: Is this 'Where do you sleep?' or 'Where do you want to sleep?' Because if it's the first one, I sleep in my crate at night with a furry rug and my own blankets, but if it's during the day, I sleep in my round bed behind my dad's chair where no one can get me. At least, if they try, I can scoot out of the bed very fast and run behind the couch where no one can reach me. If I'm in a good mood, I sit beside Her on the couch where I can suck up Her body heat. If I'm in a good mood, I let Her pet me and call me Pretty Girl.

If you want to know where I want to sleep, I'd say: In a real bed. In my own room. With a lock on the door.

Hershey: In my crate at night, which makes me very sad because I would really like to sleep between my mom and dad every night on their big bed, but they say I take up too much room and make bad smells. When my dad calls me to go to my crate at night, I walk with my head hanging down to make him feel bad, but it doesn't work, no never.

In the daytime, I sleep on the couch. Like, ALL DAY.

6. What is your favorite thing to do?

Wimzie: I like to ride in the car. I like to bite strangers. I like to eat good food prepared to my specifications. I like to nap while wrapped up in blankets. I also like to have my picture taken. But my favorite thing to do is jump up on the beds when no one is home and wipe my nether regions on everybody's pillowslips.

Hershey: I like to eat, sleep, fart, and lick myself with loud, obscene slurping sounds, especially if nuns are visiting.

7. What is something unusual or interesting about you?

Wimzie: My hero is Eva Peron. I wish I were big enough to ride a Harley. If I had a choice of any person in the world to bite right now, it would be Cesar frikkin' Milan.

Hershey: I go to bed at 10:00 every night and sleep until 7:00 a.m. Then I go for a walk with my dad, come back in the house, dry myself off on the carpet, the couch and the beds if it's wet outside, have something to eat, and then sleep on the couch as much as possible, dragging myself off the furniture to bark, eat, pee, drink water, or beg for treats as needed. I try to limit actual physical activity to around 40 minutes per day. The rest is sleeping. And farting. There's nothing like a nap and a good, long, silent fart to relax a guy.

8. Who is your best friend?

Wimzie: Him. He is the reason I live. I love Him. He takes me on walks. He doesn't try to carry me around like some kind of doll or call me stupid names. He feeds me barbecue potato chips, even though She tries to stop Him. I know She thinks She's married to Him, but He is really mine. MINE. And I don't share.

I barely tolerate Them, with their shrieky voices and their barrettes that they try to pin in my bangs and the way they occasionally try to dress me in Build-A-Bear clothing.

And as for that frikking LOSER I've been saddled with these past six years, well, words just can't describe what I go through on a daily basis.

Hershey: I love my mom and my dad and my sisters and my Nanny and Poppy and the boys and the baby and my aunt and uncle and they are all my best friends except Wimzie.

9. Did you go to obedience school...if so were you "Top Dog" or would you flunk out?

Wimzie: I find this question impertinent.

Hershey: There is schools for dogs?

10. Can you do any tricks?

Wimzie: No. Can you? Hmm? Let's see: Oooh, I've got one! Play dead.

Deader than that.

Hershey: This question hurts my feelings.