It's the first day of school and I am going to...

...destroy the Rosetta Stone software.

This had better teach my kids how to speak Spanish like citizens of Puerto Rico, or I am going to spit on the television the next time one of their commercials comes on. On second thought, maybe not.

Just trust me that their software takes, like, FOREVER to download and it is not what I'd call intuitive. Keep in mind that, through our years of homeschooling, I have downloaded dozens of pieces of software, so it's not like I have no experience at this. Just now, I was sitting in front of the Homeschool Dashboard with both of the girls' names listed, unable to ascertain how to get to the home page of the program so that one of them could begin a lesson.

After fiddling and figeting with it until I thought I'd go mad, I finally called tech support, which is something I am always grumpily reluctant to do. I want to solve my own problems, darn it, without the help of some smug, computer-savvy twenty-something techie privately mocking me by writing the words "Middle aged woman - I've got five on pre-menopausal and that she'll call me a bodily orifice before we hang up" on a legal pad and showing it to the techie in the next cubicle.

I waited on hold for ten of the best years of my life and then got a support person who greeted me in a cheerful manner. I mentioned, in a slightly terse voice, that I'd been trying to install the Rosetta Stone software on the computer for about two hours and couldn't figure out how to access the home page.

"Have you assigned a curriculum to your users?" he asked.

"Yes," I responded. "And the only thing I see is a button that says 'Add/Remove Course' and a button that says 'Progress Report' next to both their names."

There was a pause. "And you can't find the home page?" he asked slowly, no doubt furiously scribbling 'IDIOT!' on his legal pad.

"No," I answered.

"Ma'am," he said patiently, "all you have to do is click on a name, and the home page for that student will come up."

Is there any reason, ANY REASON AT ALL, why it couldn't have just said "Click on a name to continue"?

I wonder if Rosetta Stone teaches you how to cuss in Spanish?