Like, first there was a whole lot of emo and then I zoned out

We have a love-hate relationship with the Twilight series at our house: I gagged my way though all four books because I had to since the girls were so curious and all their friends were reading them; Meelyn got halfway through the final book before she threw in the (bloodstained) towel; my husband went doggedly forward until the first third of the third book like a good dad would and finally said plaintively, "These are the stupidest books I've ever read and I hate Bella so much...please don't tell me I have to keep reading them." Aisling read the first book and liked it, but only got halfway through the third book before announcing that she hates all vampires, all werewolves and all stupid, stupid girls who can't even fasten their own seatbelts, except for Spike and Buffy and Willow and Angel, of course.

That's my girl.

Anyway, it is a really cozy night tonight with the rain pouring down and preparing to turn itself into snow; I made Mexican chili after church tonight and my husband, searching for something for us all to watch, found Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight-on-film saga, on Comcast's pay per view. He said we didn't have much of anything worth watching on the DVR and we're trying to save our Christmas movies, sooo.....

Let me tell you, that movie? It is two hours and ten minutes of pure hell. There's a whole lot of Bella having angst, and a whole lot of Edward having angst and a whole lot of Jacob having angst, but since he tends to experience his own inner turmoil while shirtless, I am kind of okay with it all. There are twenty more minutes left as I'm sitting here typing; I managed to get up from my seat, pretending that I was going to get a diet Coke and instead did a nimble side-step here to my desk.

"HEY!" they all screamed at me. "Get back in here! No fair on the computer! Big cheater!"

I remained firmly planted in my chair and called out to them with dignity: "Hey. I read ALL FOUR of those pestilential books. I dealt with Bella through several thousand pages of her goofiness and Edward's potential abuser traits and Jacob's sadness that this foolish girl wanted to go off with the vamp instead of moving out to the rez and having a litter of wolfbabies with him. I SHOULD GET A FACEBOOK BREAK."

Boy howdy. It's the last few minutes. Bella is giving Edward a big speech about how his world is her world and he's all she ever wants and she oughta know because by gosh, she's just the smartest little eighteen year old who was ever raised by a feckless mother and a clueless father. Oh my preciousness, he just put the engagement ring on her finger and the credits are rolling.

Will someone please remind me of this suffering just in case I try to watch the fourth movie?

BOOK REVIEW: Breaking Dawn (Book #4 in the Twilight Series)

Book: Breaking Dawn (Book #4 in the Twilight Series)

Author: Stephenie Meyer

Publication Info: 756 pages (hardcover), young adult fiction, published by Little, Brown Books for Young Readers, New York 2008

Jacket blurb: none

My rating (out of five stars): [none]

Ohhh, Edward and Bella, Bella and Edward! Here we are at the beginning of the fourth and final and longest book in the Twilight saga, wondering where your true, pure and endless love will take you next. And let me just say that, since Breaking Dawn was published nearly two years ago, everyone in the world knows that the altar is where the two star-crossed sweethearts are headed.

Why? Well, you could be pardoned for thinking that it was about love, right? Because ever since Bella and Edward first laid eyes on one another in the Forks High School cafeteria a mere twenty months ago -- minus the time when Edward left town to spare Bella from further harm and Bella drearily marked time with the wolfy, hunky Jacob -- they have been all about being toether. Edward in the more traditional sense that requires vows and Bella in the sense that requires, er, interconnecting anatomical features.

At the end of Eclipse, the third book in the series, Bella and Edward brokered a deal for their future which included them getting married before Edward would either "turn" Bella or have sex with her. With negotiating skills like that, he should run for a political office. Bella agrees to this with bad grace, and Breaking Dawn opens with Bella at a level of excitement about her wedding day that people usually reserve for running sores. Given the fact that she's been pining for an eternity in which to drink in Edward's physical beauty, listen to his musical voice and even smell his breath, you'd think she'd be galloping altar-bound down the aisle like Seabiscuit in the final furlong at Pimlico, but Bella's vision for her future evidently doesn't extend as far as death, as in "until death separates us," which is kind of a joke on both of them. Because she's going to do just that -- die -- in approximately three hundred pages. THE LONGEST THREE HUNDRED PAGES OF YOUR LIFE.

So Bella stands like a wax figure while Alice dresses her, does her hair and makeup (Bella doesn't even bother to look in a mirror before leaving Alice's dressing room) and steers her to the staircase of the Cullen home, which is where the ceremony is to take place. At that point, plan to be wishing that Alice will just give her a solid push. Few people will blame you, if the reviews of this book at Amazon.com are any indication. Friends and family members of both the human and vampircal variety are in attendance and the whole thing kind of passes in a blur. Bella mentions "profusions of white blossoms....hung in garlands" and "long lines of white gossamer ribbons" and "white petals swaying above [her] head," but that's it.

Bella's description of her wedding gown?

"Shiny fabric."

Honestly.

Things pick up at the reception, especially when Jacob shows up to pay his respects. He's just back from traversing all of Canada in wolf-form, trying to outrun his feelings for Bella in spite of the fact she treats him so badly. Things sour abruptly, though, when Bella artlessly reveals to Jacob that she and Edward plan to have a "real honeymoon," in spite of the fact that Bella will still be a human.

Jacob reacts in outraged shock and dismay. After all, Edward is immortal, cold, as hard as marble and possessed of superhuman strength. It has been indicated more than once that a human woman and a male vampire having sex would be extremely physically dangerous for the woman, but Bella handles the situation with all the maturity we've come to expect from her over the past three books.

"I'm not putting anything off," I snapped. "And yes I can have a real honeymoon! I can do anything I want! Butt out!"

Jacob goes all wolfy at this bit of unwelcome news and begins to undergo transformation right there at the reception, which is slightly more awkward than someone slipping and falling down on the dance floor. He threatens to kill Edward as the other members of the wolf pack try to hustle him away into the woods behind the Cullens' house, but I myself was still right there, thinking What a really stupid thing to say. She is such an idiot.

I proved to be the idiotic one in about thirty more pages, because Edward and Bella did it. They consummated their marriage despite the fact that Edward knew beforehand what the likely outcome would be -- Bella injured, if not killed. To be quite clear, Bella knew beforehand, too, but she is so pathetic and stupid, I didn't really count on her to do anything that made sense, relying on Edward to be the rock of self-control he's always been, in spite of his indications of being a potential abuser.

And somewhere in the murky fade-to-black of page eighty five, this book completely and irrevocably lost me.

Meyer chastely refuses to describe what ensues, but the morning after the night before, Bella awakens to a brooding, haunted Edward, a bed full of feathers and, "large purplish bruises...across the pale skin of my arm...up to my shoulder" and relates that her naked body was "decorated with patches of blue and purple" and admits that she'd "look even worse tomorrow." The whole scene, in which Bella soothes Edward by telling him that the experience was "wonderful and perfect" and that she's "totally and completely blissed out" and that "[she] can't imagine that life gets any better than [this]" was utterly ghastly, a total mockery of two young lovers meeting one another for the first time in the sweetness of their wedding night.

Edward feels so remorseful. He vows that it will never happen again. Aaaaand...does anyone have that checklist for Things Abusers Typically Say and Do handy? Because Edward, you see, is no longer a potential abusive partner.

I didn't get actual bile in my throat until the next night, when Bella and Edward do it again. She wakes up from a powerful dream about makin' the sex and boo-hoos and begs and whines until he finally gives in and nails her.

Okay. Could there be anything sicker than lovemaking on one's honeymoon that ends with one spouse battered? That is wrong and bad on so many levels, I'd be hard put to list them all. Let me just start by saying that a decent person would NEVER DO SOMETHING that would put something he loved in danger of being physically or emotionally harmed. Edward knows how physically fragile Bella is compared to him, but he goes ahead and gives in to her infantile pleadings for sex and PHYSICALLY HURTS HER.

That's sick, Stephenie Meyer. Really, really sick. Especially since Bella's extra-mature way of dealing with her aching, black-and-blue body is to basically tell Edward it's okay if you bruised me because I know you love me. God help us all.

Since this book is seven hundred fifty-four pages long, I'll spare myself the anguish of exploring every nuance of this unbearably hefty plot line. Frankly, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in places anyway - events happen here and there that simply don't hang together, are left unexplained, or are referred to once and never mentioned again. So I'll hit the low points from here on out -- after that honeymoon, I can't bring myself to call them high points -- designated numerically.

1. While Edward and Bella are still on their honeymoon, a curious thing happens: Stephenie Meyer breaks another rule of vampire lore, only in this case it's her own vampire lore. According to Stephenie, vampires have no liquid inside them except for their venom, so imagine everyone's surprise -- theirs, Carlisle's, Alice's, yours and mine -- when Bella suddenly gets nauseated, develops a stubborn appetite for certain foods and discovers a baby bump between her hip bones. Yes. In spite of the fact that Edward supposedly cannot produce sperm cells, Bella is pregnant.

The two of them head back home, where Carlisle and Edward press for an abortion: they know that any child created by this union is likely a monster of unknown quantity. Bella allies herself with the baby-wanting Rosalie and refuses to consent, protecting her "little nudger," which is growing at a pace that is faster than the speed of a vampire running through the forests of Washington state with his girlfriend clinging to his back. And not only is the baby growing fast, it's also killing Bella. The story takes over in Jacob's first-person narrative and he describes Bella's weakness as she lies on a couch in the Cullen's living room, fading away by the moment. Edward fades right along with her, becoming a total helpless wreck, moaning and brooding and generally doing all that he can to make sure that the family has two invalids to care for.

Until, of course, someone thinks that maybe the baby and Bella aren't really being properly nourished on pickles and ice cream and those giant vitamin pills pregnant women have to swallow. No, this baby and this mother need some blood. Big ol' cups of it, with straws. Straws that will allow Bella to gulp it down and burp gently.

Human blood.

I'll pause to let you process that and maybe go find a small wastebasket to vomit into.

There. Better now? Oh, too bad, because you're going to be sick again very shortly.

So the Little Nudger gets stronger and starts nudging her a little too hard. Jacob relates that Bella's entire body is bruised, and before long, the baby starts cracking her ribs. When Bella experiences placenta abruptio and vomits "a fountain of blood," the Cullen gang realizes that it's now or never and they whisk Bella to Carlisle's study, which has been turned into a birthing center. Jacob performs CPR a little too roughly while Edward struggles to deliver the baby (Carlisle is not at home at this crucial moment) and CHEWS THE BABY OUT of Bella's uterus WITH HIS TEETH.

I found it very ironic that Meyer, who did that coy fade-to-black on Bella and Edward's honeymoon sex just freaking UNLEASHES on the birth scene, with blood and anguish and broken spines and floppy legs and a cracking pelvis and the sound of Edward's diamond hard teeth scraping and rasping and tearing through his wife's flesh... It's not the kind of thing you'd want to read while eating a bowl of chili. And it goes on for pages, like my gosh, the soldiers who stormed the beach at Normandy didn't see this level of violence.


Yum.


2. Slightly before the baby is born, Edward and Jacob have a conversation at the Cullen's house. Jacob is there because he can't bear to be away from Bella, which is.....huh? I mean, she is another man's wife at this point, right? So Jacob's continued worried presence is there and he makes himself useful by sitting next to Bella and warming her up when she gets cold.


Uhhh, okay.....


Not many husbands I know would be all that thrilled to have their main rivals for their wives' affections before marriage present and accounted for in order to warm her chilly pregnant body, but whatevs...By this time, who expects any sense out of all this?


Given what Edward does next, though, you may want to find that little wastebasket you just used, because what's coming now won't make any sense, either.


Out on the front porch of the Cullen residence, Edward suggests to Jacob that perhaps, if this baby, erm, DIES and Bella survives, that she's going to want children someday. She loves her little unborn devil-baby, after all, and he, Edward, just KNEW that the maternal urge would grab her someday, so if Jacob could be so kind as to oblige....


I think the charming way Edward put it, this whole notion of putting his wife out to be bred, was "She can have puppies if she wants them." With a sidelong glance at Jacob. The shape-shifting wolf.


Jacob takes a personal moment to consider how awesome it would be to make the weekend sex with Bella and give her a little pack of wolfbabies to cuddle and then send them all back to the Cullens on Monday mornings. And could there be a bigger EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! than this?

Honestly, just when you think Stephenie Meyers has already hated the idea of independent, strong, smart women enough, you find out that she has deeper levels of loathing to explore.


Fortunately, Jacob sees that this preposterous and SICK idea is going to be absolutely unworkable because how are they ever going to get Bella to agree to it? At this point, I had a mental flash of Spike and Angel discussing Buffy in this manner and both of them saying nervously, "She's going to stake both of us with a telephone pole for even thinking such a thing," but come to think of it, there's no way they'd ever have such a conversation because their respect for Buffy and who she is and what she can do is so immense. It would never cross their minds, this kind of perversion.


The fact that Edward could even come up with an idea like this and be serious enough to entreat Jacob to help him convince Bella that this plan could work is just.....wow. Edward has no respect for Bella as an autonomous person, like, at all. This is his wife, his companion for eternity, and yet he feels free to come up with a plan like this behind her back? Stephenie Meyer, what the HELL is wrong with you??!!


3. The baby is born alive, but Bella is dying quickly after the traumatic birth and Jacob tells us that Edward goes to work on her with a syringe full of vampire venom so that it can spread throughout her body while her heart is still feebly beating. She is going to die, but the venom will heal her. And it will take a few days, but then everything will be like, YAY! because being a vampire is something only very, very special people get to do and aren't you sad you're not one?


But then.....


While Edward is injecting deadly venom into his nearly-lifeless bride, Jacob is holding the baby. If you read New Moon and Eclipse, you might guess at what's getting ready to happen: Jacob imprints on the newborn baby. Yup. He looks at the newborn baby and is all SCHWWWIIING!!!


Yeah, you made it past the honeymoon and you struggled through the idea of Edward and Jacob sharing Bella for sex and you hung on through that revolting birth scene, only to arrive at the place where Jacob decides that this baby is the person destiny has picked out for him to spend his life with. The bewilderment and gagging just start all over again, don't they?

What kind of life does Stephenie Meyer live that she can think up all of these unbelievably disturbing male-female relationships and present them as if they're acceptable? Like, sure it's okay for a little girl to grow up with a young man that she would probably perceive as a brother or even a father figure, someone who's poured juice into her sippy cup and taken her to the potty and then....marry him? The fact that an imprinted relationship between a baby and a teen wolf pre-supposes that someday, they're going to be sexual partners is just so messed up, there aren't enough negative words in the English language to convey how wrong that is.

4. Thankfully, Stephenie ends with the crazed and possibly illegal and definitely immoral relationships and we move on to Bella, who is now a vampire.

Through all three of the previous novels, we've been warned repeatedly that not only is the process of "turning" very painful and difficult, but that the first few years of vampirism are difficult to navigate: the new born vampire will be a creature of enormous strength and thirst, making him/her a danger to everyone around, both human and vampire. So Bella goes through her change -- and of course, we have to go with her, this heeeeyooooge rite of passage Meyer has been preparing us for, and I was expecting Bella to fly up off that table in Carlisle's study and start with the killing, maybe making that snotty Lauren she graduated high school with her first victim.

But guess what? Meyer lets us down flat. There is no conflict. None. Anywhere. There was a great opportunity here for Bella, who has been possibly the lamest, weakest and most clueless heroine in post-modern American literature, to grow into a character of substance and depth. The biggest conflict we experience in Bella's turning is the fact that, while she was out of it, Alice dressed her in a gorgeous, shimmery dress that made it hard for Bella to run in the woods on her first hunt with Edward. So guess what? She had to tear the dress. OH THE AGONY!

As she moves into vampire life, the Cullens are stunned and incredulous that Bella can control herself. Sure, there's a brief moment of wanting to indulge herself in a yummy-smelling hiker out in the woods, but Bella just claps a hand over her nose and runs in the other direction: problem solved. And they're concerned that she might attack Renesmee, who has a heartbeat, but her great love and bonding with the baby lead her to be able to see past that moist and luscious sound and cuddle her daughter protectively. And Esme's antique dining table is in a moment of danger as Bella and Emmett consider it as a place for an arm-wrestling match, but that's all.

That's all. Really. Truly. There is no conflict. Bella is the most beautiful, the most strong, the most gifted, the most graceful vampire ever, like, in the whole world. Her voice is like the music of tiny bells! Her ability to leap over the river surpasses even Edward's, and as for speed? Well, up until now, Edward has been the undisputed Speedy Gonzalez of the Cullen clan, but Bella leaves him eating her dust. No one has to buckle her seat belt for her anymore; no one has to carry her anywhere because she can't twist her ankle; Charlie is a little freaked out by her but prepared to accept the unacceptable; brown contacts hide her bright red new born vamp eyes; who knows what happens with Renee and Phil, because they're never mentioned again; and it's really kind of too bad that Bella doesn't have to poop anymore, because you can be certain that Meyer would go to great lengths to tell us how beautiful and fragrant her bowel movements are.

I mean, really, girls, who wouldn't want to be a vampire? Bella can die and go through this incredible change that makes everything different and yet there's not one single consequence. She has everything! Supermodel looks! The most perfect husband ever! A lovely baby, who's so perfect, you just want to brush your brain with toothpaste to get all the sticky sugar out of your mind after reading about her! The perfect adoring family! Who are, like, mind-blowingly rich! Closets full of designer clothing! A perfect little rose-covered fairy-tale cottage! A Ferrari! An alliance with the werewolves! Amazing talents that surpass the talents of everyone else around her!

There is a tiny misunderstanding with the Volturi and Meyer builds us up for pages and pages, leading us to think that there's going to be an epic battle, like the one between Voldemort's followers and Dumbledore's army, or the one between the forces of Mordor and Aragorn's troops, but it all amounts to nothing. Just a misunderstanding. The Volturi literally turn around and drift away sulking and go back to Italy. And it's all because of Bella.

This is just.....unconscionable. At nearly eight hundred pages, you'd think there could have been room for some real plot and character development - that Bella would have to go through some massive internal and external struggles to make her ready for her new life, to help her grow and change into the person she is going to be, um, ETERNALLY. Harry Potter had to do that along with all of those Hogwarts kids we followed from the first book to the last. Bilbo and Frodo and Sam had to do it; it took Aragorn three thick books to come to terms with his rightful place as the king.

But Bella? She can just jump from one milestone to another with no struggles whatsoever. Oh, sure, she had to wear the brown contacts. And the stupid things kept dissolving on her, because of the venom filming her eyes. And she had a difficult time figuring how to meet up with J. Jenks and discerning his relationship with the Cullen family. And she was pretty ticked with Jacob for imprinting on her baby, but that actually turned out to be a blessing. I was ready to see her go on a killing spree and for Charlie to be caught up in the investigation for this string of brutal murders and for the Cullens to be providing moral and physical support and then for the Volturi to show up and for there to be casualties on either side.

But no.

Bella was perfect from the start of her vampire life and when the book ends (with Edward referring to Jacob as -- PUKE! -- "My son"), everything is just like a really stupid fairy tale. It is the laziest and most shiftless writing I've ever read and it galls me that Stephenie Meyer could write this pap and be smirking all the way to the bank with her stupid books and her stupid Bella and all those woman-hating, freakishly messed up male-female relationships. This, my friends, is what passes these days for stellar literature for our young adult readers.

Read it and weep.

MOVIE REVIEW: New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Part 2)

As part of the ongoing Christmas cheer around here, my husband and I took Meelyn and Aisling to see New Moon yesterday afternoon. This was a major treat because we only go to the movies once a year or so and also because nearly all of their friends have seen it multiple times already.

"We may be the only two teenage girls in the United States who haven't seen this movie yet," Meelyn said eagerly when we told her of our plans yesterday morning. "Well. Except for the Amish teenage girls."

I can assure anyone else who has read the book but who has not yet seen the movie that it followed along with the novel surprisingly well, which, if you're me, meant that you wanted to feed Bella to an alligator about five minutes in. She is possibly the worst protagonist in modern American literature.

The roles of Bella and Edward are played by young actors Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson, and if you've ever wanted to see an unsmiling pair of mopey dullards, it would be those two. Well, I mean when they're in character. I'm absolutely certain that Kristin and Rob are lovely, smiley people in real life, but in this movie, they make true love -- even at a birthday party -- look about as desirable as a colorectal exam.

The only ray of light in this whole mess (both book and movie, but ESPECIALLY THE MOVIE) is Taylor Lautner, who should probably have sonnets written to his bare chest and poignant melodies to his dark eyes and bright smile. (Don't believe me? Click here.) *ahem* Young Mr. Lautner plays the role of Jacob Black, the werewolf, although anyone who is as much of a stickler to the codes of rightness and decency surrounding the horror genre of literature and film as I am knows that Jacob is technically not a werewolf, Stephenie Meyer, he is a shape-shifter. EVERYBODY knows that. But I digress.

Anyway, Edward leaves Forks with the rest of the Cullens, thinking that it is the best way to keep Bella safe because she smells so luscious to all the undead who flock to Washington state, which must be a hellmouth similar to Sunnydale. Joss Whedon, would you care to weigh in on that? He leaves her even though it just about flat-out kills him. Well, if he weren't immortal. And here's the point where I urgently need to add that there is a lot of talk about Romeo & Juliet here, but seriously. Seriously. Stephenie, do not flatter yourself.

At one point in the early scenes, Edward and Bella are in one another's arms, gazing humorlessly and with great angst into one another's eyes. "Bella, you give me everything I need just by breathing," Edward said with a facial expression indicating a severe migraine was coming on and he'd left his Flexoril back at home. My husband thought that was the funniest thing he'd ever heard and jacknifed himself over in his seat, wheezing. I sat tensely, wondering if we were going to be attacked by a swarm of Twi-hard fans, who would try to bludgeon us to death with the rolled up movie posters they bought at Barnes & Noble. Luckily, none of them appeared to hear him.

So Edward leaves and Bella becomes catatonic in spite of the fact that the hunky Jacob is hanging around, helping her repair some motorcycles she rescued from the junkyard because when she finally snaps out of her Edward-induced coma, she finds that she can discern his dreary presence warning her not to be reckless, which for the two-left-footed Bella is a simple matter like walking down the stairs. Jacob is big and handsome and endearing and he has a sense of humor - he likes life and he likes Bella and he couldn't have made it more obvious if he'd worn a great big sign.

But no. No. Bella needs must continue to pine for the absent Edward. And I would have been all, like, "EDWARD WHO??" but who can explain this dope? I know that Meelyn and Aisling can't, because when Edward, in an attempt to end his immortality by exposing his sparkliness to a crowd of humans after getting some bad info concerning Bella's demise (she tried to butter a piece of toast and cut her arm open and they thought she was going to bleed to death right there at the kitchen table: no, not really, but she probably could have) and ripped open his shirt to expose his twinkly skin there in the town square, his chest was so....narrow. So pallid and skinny, like a plucked hen, that the girls groaned audibly and Meelyn leaned over to hiss, "I HATE BELLA."

Bella and Edward are reunited there in Italy -- oh, yeah, there's a bunch of in-betweeny stuff like the wolf pack and the vengeful Victoria and the stolen Porsche and the Volturi -- and you might have hoped at this point that Bella and Edward could reach deep down inside and summon, I don't know, A SMILE??!! Because, you know, they're glad to see each other? But no. No. All they can do is hang around looking dejected and funereal together. I'm thinking that that one key scene, the one where Bella and Edward are lying together in that field of improbable flowers? It would have been better filmed in a freaking mortuary.

The unlucky Jacob gets kicked to the curb in spite of his heartfelt plea for Bella to give up her vampire-lovin' ways (prompting another outraged gasp from Meelyn and Aisling) and the movie ends with Edward popping the question, the BIG question, the question which causes most young women to clasp their hands and look at their sweethearts with starry-eyed delight. Instead, Bella looks like she's experiencing intense gastrointestinal distress. My husband and I both agreed that the director majorly missed the boat: this final scene would have been perfect if accompanied by the music of Meat Loaf singing "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)". Bummer.

The fight scenes in the movie were wonderful and made up for all the time when we had to watch Bella sit there longing for Edward while in the presence of the nicest, kindest and good-lookingest guy she could ever hope for. The special effects were pretty decent too. If you go to this movie prepared to exit the theater as a confirmed member of Team Jacob, I think you'll enjoy it.

Stephenie Meyer: Now with more of the hating!

I was reading a couple of articles about the Twilight series at Decent Films ("Twilight Appeal: The cult of Edward Cullen and vampire love in Stephenie Meyer's novels and the new film" by Stephen D. Greydanus) and at National Review Online ("In Love with Death" by Gina R. Dalfonzo) and wound up at Meyer's official website, where I read this absolutely enchanting message by Steph herself:

**************************************

"There are those who think my stories are misogynistic—the damsel in distress must be rescued by strong hero. I emphatically reject the....accusation. I am all about girl power—look at Alice and Jane if you doubt that. I am not anti-female, I am anti-human."

*************************************

Okaaaay.

Stephenie, I kind of hate it that you've put me in the position of having to EXPLAIN YOUR OWN NOVELS TO YOU, but I'm going to point out a couple of things about Alice and Jane.

1) Alice is Edward's sister and she colludes with him on keeping Bella under house arrest in the Cullen home. She enables Edward in his role of the insanely jealous boyfriend/stalker/abuser. If Alice was a strong female character, she would have told her brother to BACK OFF and, I don't know, maybe driven Bella to a women's shelter?

She's also a pushy twit who has absolutely no respect for Bella as her friend: When Bella says she doesn't want a big graduation party, Alice throws one for her anyway. When Bella wants a simple wedding, Alice goes all-out. Alice knows that Bella is uncomfortable with the idea of wearing sexy lingerie on her honeymoon (Bella's more of a t-shirt sleeper) so what does Alice do? She fills Bella's suitcase and closet at the vacation home with sexy lingerie. In short, Alice is constantly trying to make Bella over into someone different. This was Alice's underlying message: If you would just submit to me, you could be as cool and pretty as I am, Bella. You are so lucky to have me to guide you out of your geeky, unattractive ways. Because I am sooo adorable and cute and you are so....not. But your blood does smell really good, so I can see why my brother likes you.

2) Jane is a psychotic vampire, a young girl, who has an unusual supernatural power: She can torture people using the power of her mind. And so she does, and delights in it, relishing the pain and terror of her victims. Now there's some real strength of character. I know when I look for role models for my teenage daughters, I bypass people like St. Catherine of Siena or Helen Keller or Condoleezza Rice or Venus and Serena Williams or even -- God help me -- Hillary frikkin' Clinton and GO STRAIGHT TO THE CRAZED SADISTS.

If this is your idea of strong female characters, Stephenie, then you're even weirder than I thought you were. You live in a strange, strange world, lady.

Buffy vs. Edward -- maybe the best YouTube vid EVER

I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the girls for the past few weeks, Buffy being one of my personal guilty pleasures. I am well aware that my devotion to the series is more than slightly ridiculous because I am, after all, MIDDLE AGED and a Church Lady of no mean stature.

I've mentioned here before that I am an ardent fan of the vampire genre in movie and literature, although I never could connect with Anne Rice's vampire series for some reason, and I seriously wish I had never read Stephen King's 'Salem's Lot, which I just hated. When I finally became aware of Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, three of the four-book series were already available and the fourth was published within two weeks of my starting the first book, named Twilight, of course.

I was really, truly offended by the Twilight books, not only for Meyer's breathless, fan-girlie, gothic-y prose, but also for her barely concealed hatred of women. Yes, I went there. And I believe it: Stephenie Meyer, in my opinion, has an inner loathing of women that she expresses in so many ways throughout her four novels, beginning with Bella's mother, Renee, a mental midget who chooses her new husband, Phil, over her own daughter; to Bella, who is soppily, ridiculously accepting of Edward's abusive behaviors that would have raised a red flag the size of Kansas in anyone with a brain; to werewolf Sam's girlfriend Emily with her ruined face and her homemade biscuits; to the spiteful, jealous Rosalie; to the bitter, vengeful Leah, Stephenie Meyer has given the young women of this decade a group of the weakest, most pathetic characters I've ever seen. My only comfort is that the male characters aren't much better, and I'm looking at YOU, Charlie, Edward, Sam, Jacob and Billy. Carlisle is not enough to redeem you.

Meelyn and Aisling were very disappointed that my husband and I wouldn't let them read the Twilight books. So many of their friends have read the books, after all. I wrestled with this last summer, even giving the books to my husband to read (he made it until the first pages of the fourth book and said, "For the love of God, please don't make me read any more of this crap," only he didn't say "crap") because I thought maybe I had the Twilight series pegged wrong and I was allowing my inner Church Lady too much freedom -- sometimes he helps balance me out. I felt that my instinct was correct when his final assessment of the four novels was, "I can see why teenage girls would think these are good stories, but as a parent, I have to say that these are truly horrible books."

So the books were out. But I can remember how I felt as a teenager when everyone else was allowed to listen to the Eagles and Aerosmith and my mom and dad wouldn't let me buy records like all my friends did -- I used to visit my friend Lisa and feel sooo envious of her stereo and her Peter Frampton albums. That was such a sore spot for me as a teenager that I remember it well to this day: it did not improve my relationship with my parents and led to a resentment that was somewhat alleviated when I went ahead and bought records anyway. So when the Twilight movie was released early last winter, I was hoping that we'd be able to take the girls to see it; that maybe it would be somewhat toned down and less objectionable, or at least that it would provide me with ample opportunities to point out Edward's glaring personal flaws and Bella's marginal intelligence, not to mention the Greek-tragedy type triangle that exists between Bella, Edward and her dad, Charlie.

The movie Twilight proved to be more acceptable than the book so we let the girls see it, which went a long way in fostering happy interpersonal relationships here in our home: Meelyn and Aisling no longer felt like the only teenage girls on the planet who hadn't seen the movie or read the books. We watched it together once in silence, and a second time with me adding editorial commentary that was extremely biased, one almost might say prejudicial. Heh. Because I am a mother and I am allowed to do that.

And then I began to lay some careful plans.

Summer began, and with the cessation of schoolwork came the gift of free time. Only, what to do with all that free time? Gas is expensive and Anne doesn't have a working air conditioner anyway, so none of the three of us was motivated to go anywhere; we hadn't yet paid our dues for the swimming pool, and Kieren was here after his driver's ed class was over for the day.

"There's not much to do," the girls sighed.

"We could watch some television," I suggested brightly.

Meelyn and Aisling looked at me suspiciously. After all, am I not the person who limits their "screen time" and insists they go off with a book?

"I was thinking," I said with elaborate casualness, "that maybe we could watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

"What the heck kind of name is 'Buffy'?" said Meelyn with scorn.

"It's supposed to be ironic," I answered. "You know, 'Buffy' suggests kind of a powder-puff of a girl, someone who pouts if she breaks a nail and uses aromatherapeutic linen spray on her sheets every night."

Aisling rolled her eyes. "Sheeesh, what an idi-- Hey!!!!!" she said indignantly.

"Actually," I continued, "she is anything but that kind of girl. Buffy rocks. She kicks butt and takes names. She would dust Edward's whiny, angst-ridden tushie in about three seconds flat."

"'Dust'?..." asked Meelyn.

"That means 'stake through the heart.'"

"I thought Edward was like marble, impenetrable."

"That's only because Stephenie Meyer is a big, fat cheater and she will not be forgiven for totally reinventing an entire genre of literature to suit her own lame, fangirl agenda," I said heatedly. "'Oooh, Edward, I love your sparkleee skin in the sunlight! Oooh, Edward, I love your sharp, venomous teefies, even though you have no fangs!!!!! Oooh, Edward, I love the way your family can cook Italiano using lots and lots of garlic; you're all so awesome, I bet you serve filtered holy water for drinking in a Brita pitcher!!!!" I sing-songed in a mocking voice.

"Okay," said Aisling in a resigned manner. "I guess we can try it."

So we did. There's a lot to teach kids from Buffy's tightly woven plots. I know that all parents certainly would not agree with me and I admit that using a series about a vampire slayer is an avant-garde method of teaching morality to teenagers, but please remember that it isn't my only method. In the meantime, the girls and I are enjoying the shows, analyzing the plots and talking about the themes presented in each episode and throughout each season's story line.

While I was doing a little mild research for the final two episodes of season two ("Becoming," Parts One and Two), I stumbled across this awesome video on YouTube titled "Buffy vs. Edward." It is a bit of comedic genius and explains EXACTLY what I feel about Twilight, the book, the series and all the stupid movies.

I tried, but I can't stop laughing

You know that four book Twilight series about vampires that it seems that every girl in the United States has read except for Meelyn and Aisling because I think that Bella Swan is as dumb as a suitcase full of carrots and that the series author, Stephenie Meyer, hates women?

Yeah. That series. Even as I type these words, I am preparing for the onslaught of tearful hate mail that will come in from Twi-hard fans of the bedazzling Edward. I just don't understand love!!! I am too old!!! What Edward and Bella have is totally for realz!!! Somehow, whenever I write about this topic, they find me. All I can say is that I'm sorry, girls. I am! I wanted to like these books because I have been devoted to vampire lore all the way through the classic movies seen in my childhood with Frank Langella and Christopher Lee up to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, although I still maintain I wish I'd never seen Bram Stoker's Dracula because it scared the bejabers out of me.

But I can't like the books. Since I have teenage girls, I tried. I really did! Blame Stephenie Meyer for creating a human female character whom I utterly despised, a vampire character who wearied me with his angst and freaked me out with his abusive tendencies, and a plot line that was so....so....eighteenth century...in its way of depicting girls as people who are just carried along by the whims of fate with absolutely no power and control over who they are and what kind of people they should be....AAAAAGGGGHHH. Haaaaaaate!!!!

Anyway, here's a set of cartoons from the brilliantly funny artistand humorist Lucy Knisley that you have to read if you've brushed up against these books in any way (I own all four.) The first is titled My Lost Weekend in the Meyer and accurately describes how easy it is to get sucked into the Twilight. The second cartoon is sixteen panels (scroll down from "My Lost Weekend") that will take you through all four books, if you're lucky enough not to have read them. Lucy Knisley, I've never heard of you until now, but you owe me a new keyboard, girl. My old one has coffee all over it.

Here's my review of Twilight, which I did last summer. I intended to review all four books here at InsomniMom, but they just suck so bad and irritate me so much, I just couldn't do it.

And here's my favorite Twilight movie spoof video from YouTube.