RECIPE: Crustless Quiche Muffins

This recipe for crustless quiche muffins is one I've been working on for several months, ever since the girls and I fell in love with the ones from Paradise Cafe and Bakery. What we didn't fall in love with was the enormous calorie and fat count, because the quiche muffins from Paradise, while completely cheesy and delicious, are practically the nutritional equivalent of a 6-ounce prime rib. I thought it would be nice to have a quiche muffin for breakfast that was full of protein, low in calories and fat and reasonably portable for busy mornings; also one that didn't require me to skip lunch because I'd already consumed a jillion calories.

These muffins are a good size and they're nice and dense. Eat one with a banana or an orange or even a container of yogurt and you've got a nice, sustaining breakfast that will stick with you. Or, heck, these things are so light in terms of calories and fat, you could have one for a quick snack in the afternoon when you need a jolt of energy-revving protein to carry you through the remainder of the work day and on into that dinner prep-homework-bath-and-bed-time routine.

In spite of the long ingredient list, these muffins mix up in a big hurry: It's mostly just a matter of opening packages and dumping ingredients into a mixing bowl.

CRUSTLESS QUICHE MUFFINS

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups Egg Beaters refrigerated egg
2 whole eggs, beaten
1 cup skim milk
2 cups Bisquick Heart-Smart baking mix (or the regular kind, if you'd prefer)
1 7-oz package reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup reduced-fat grated parmesan cheese (or, again, the regular kind, your pref)
1 1/2 cups chopped onion
1 16-oz package frozen spinach
2 teaspoons salt, or to taste (you can always use less in the recipe and add more to each portion)
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes, optional

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Thaw spinach by emptying bag into a colander and running lukewarm water over it until soaked; allow to drain while you put everything else together. In a medium mixing bowl, combine all other ingredients and stir. Squeeze out the drained spinach in the colander, pressing it to remove as much water as possible (I always use the edge of a plastic measuring cup.) Add the spinach to the egg mixture, stirring to make sure all the spinach gets un-clumped.

Take two regular muffin pans and spray them thoroughly with non-stick spray. Then spray them again. And again. Why, you ask? Because I learned from painful experience that if you don't make those muffin cups as non-stick-able as possible, you will be prying your little crustless quiches out with a chisel, leaving half of them adhering firmly to your pan.

Fill the muffin cups all the way full - they will pouf up a bit into the traditional domed muffin shape - and you will get a yield of about 21 muffins. If you fill them slightly less full, your muffins will be appreciably smaller, but you can get a full two dozen out of your quiche mixture. Really, it's whatever you prefer.

Bake muffins for 35-40 minutes, until set and a toothpick inserted in a center muffin comes out clean. Allow muffins to cool completely before removing from pan. You may need to gently go around each one with a knife to loosen them. Store in the fridge (we put ours in gallon-sized plastic bags) and reheat by microwaving for about a minute per muffin. Delicious!

Nutritional Information:
Servings: 21 muffins as prepared with lower calorie/fat ingredients
Total Calories: 136.7; Total Fat: 5.5g (Saturated: 1.3g; Polyunsatured: 0.3g; Monounsaturated: 0.6); Cholesterol: 36.1mg; Sodium: 623.6mg; Potassium: 145.5mg; Total Carbohydrates: 13.9g (Dietary Fiber: 0.5g; Sugars: 1.6g); Protein: 8.7g
Weight Watchers Points Plus: 3 per muffin

RECIPE: Outback Steakhouse Onion Blossom Sauce

For those of us who really like spicy food, the sauce that comes with the Awesome Blossom at the Outback (or at Chili's or Lone Star or wherever - the onion blossom has several permutations) is better than the actual blossomed onion. The saddest day I ever experienced at a restaurant was the day when my husband decided that he liked the sauce better than the ketchup he'd been using to dip his blossom petals into. This sauce doesn't just have to be reserved for battered and deep-fried onions, however: we've found that it is good on a number of different things, including the jalapeno cheeseburgers we ate for dinner last Monday, and even the "fried" potatoes I cook in my great-grandmother's cast-iron skillet.

I've had this recipe written on a sticky-note for about five months, so I'd say it's high time to get it recorded here where I won't lose it. This recipe makes a good portion of sauce - the serving size is two tablespoons, which is plenty - so I hope you can forgive the eensy-weensy measurements. It's worth it.

Blossom Sauce

Directions: Combine all ingredients together in a small mixing bowl; cover and refrigerate for about two hours before serving to allow the flavors to blend. Store leftovers in fridge, if there are any.

Ingredients:
1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 tablespoons horseradish (I like to use horseradish sauce because it's smoother and more blendable)
2 teaspoons ketchup (adjust amount according to taste; I always use a teaspoon or two more)
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder
1/8 teaspoon dried oregano, crushed between fingers
dash black pepper
dash cayenne pepper

RECIPE: Shelley's Cranberry Relish and Katie's Cranberry-Orange Sauce

First of all, let me just say that if I ever attempted to make my family even taste either of these recipes, they would fall to the ground clutching their throats and writhing around, wailing that I was trying to maliciously POISON THEM: death by cranberry.

Second of all, let me tell you that some people -- people with educated palates and discerning taste -- really love cranberries in many forms, including juice from Ocean Spray and that layered cranberry-lime Christmas Jell-O concoction (the one with the pineapple in the lime layer and the some-other-fruit-I-can't-remember in the cranberry layer, divided by a cream cheese layer which is just so colorful and festive) your elderly aunt makes and craisins on our chef salads. We also love cranberry sauce and cranberry relish and we're glad, you hear? GLAD that you don't like cranberry relish or cranberry sauce because that way THERE'S MORE FOR US SO HA HA HAHAHA!!!

*ahem*

Anyway, both of these recipes are easy and delicious, one from me and one from my friend Katie W., who is half of my Ka(yte)ie pair of chums. I'm serving cranberries in some form or other for today's Sunday dinner, the last spread of the holiday season.

Shelley's Cranberry Relish (pictured above)

Ingredients
2 cans whole berry cranberry sauce
1/2 cup boiling water
1 large navel orange*
1 large apple (I like sweet apples for this recipe, such as Honeycrisp)*
1 teaspoon grated orange zest
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Directions
Empty the two cans of cranberry sauce into a large mixing bowl. Add the half-cup of boiling water and stir to allow the cranberry sauce to dissolve, using a spoon to chop up the larger bits.

While the cranberry sauce is dissolving, peel and chop the navel orange, grating one teaspoon of the zest into the cranberry sauce. Finely chop the orange and add it to the cranberry sauce. Wash the apple and dice; add to the cranberry-orange mixture. Add spices and stir thoroughly.
Cover with plastic wrap and chill for at least two hours to allow flavors to blend.

Serve in a pretty dish and place on your beautifully set holiday table where it will look lovely throughout the meal because no one in your family will touch it except for you. Sulkily remove from table at the end of the meal and return to fridge; eat in your own over the next few days, congratulating yourself on the delicious and nutritious value of all the fruity goodness.

*Substitute two smaller fruits for one large

Katie's Cranberry-Orange Sauce

Ingredients
1/2 cup of water

1 1/2 cups of sugar

4 cups cranberries

1 orange, peeled, seeded, chopped

2 tablespoons freshly grated orange peel

Directions

Place water and sugar in a saucepan. Stir until the sugar is dissolved. Bring to a boil, and add the cranberries. Boil, stirring, just long enough for the berries to pop, but not to cook them very much. Cool. Add chopped oranges and grated rind. Taste for sweetness; add more sugar if desired. Chill thoroughly. Yield: about 5 cups

RECIPE: Oatmeal in the Slow-Cooker (and variations)

Yesterday after my husband and I got home from church (the girls went to Mass on Saturday evening), we opened the back door and were greeted by the delicious and wonderful smell of slow-cooked oatmeal wafting through the house. Jazzed up with apples and peaches and spiced with cinnamon and cloves, it was a fragrance that could make you want to get a warm bowl and curl up on the sofa all wrapped in your Snuggie, if it weren't ninety-four frikking degrees outside.

Oatmeal, I believe, is one of the most perfect foods ever. With what other food can you whip up a practically instant batch of those no-bake oatmeal-and-cocoa cookies? What other food allowed your great-grandma to stretch a humble pound and a half of ground beef into two during the Depression? What other food is so retro and heart-healthy, but can still be referred to as porridge? My dears, I give you oatmeal.

I posted the recipe for Pumpkin Brunch Oatmeal here at InsomniMom almost one year ago today, but today I'm going to post the recipe for just the plain, straight-up slow-cooked version with a couple of variations so that you can find your family's preference by playing around with it.

I also need to mention that this recipe is not my invention. This recipe originally belonged to my internet friend Colleen and I was so pleased with the results that I decided to see what I could do to tweak it here and there. For instance, Colleen's original recipe called for both white and brown sugars and all of us McKinneys are either trying to watch our weight or our blood sugar or both, so I substituted Splenda as a sweetner substitute for the white sugar. Little things like that make for a recipe that's either a once-in-a-while kind of thing because it's so naughty, or something that we all love and can have fairly frequently.

OATMEAL IN THE SLOW-COOKER

Ingredients:
6 scant cups of old-fashioned oats
4 cups of milk
3 cups of hot water
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Splenda
2 eggs, beaten
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

Directions:
Spray slow-cooker crock with non-stick spray. Put all ingredients in the crock and stir to combine. Set the slow-cooker's heat to Low and cook for three hours. Serve in bowls and allow the rest to cool; store in the refrigerator for up to four days and heat in the microwave by the bowl for a quick breakfast.

Variations:
6 scant cups of oatmeal
1 small jar of cinnamon applesauce
2 apples, cored and cut into small chunks
2 peaches, pitted and cut into small chunks
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Splenda
2 eggs, beaten
1 can evaporated milk
1 can hot water
1 measuring cup of hot water
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/8 teaspoon cloves
1/8 teaspoon ginger

And a few more ideas:

• Use approximately three cups of apple cider instead of the applesauce
• If it's winter time and fresh peaches are not to be found, use a large can of sliced peaches (I always use the no-sugar added type -- along with their juice
• Use four apples instead of two apples and two peaches
• Use four peaches instead of two apples and two peaches
• Use any kind of fruit juice (I use the organic kind in the health food section that has no added sugar) instead of the applesauce
• Add dates, raisins or currants
• Add walnuts, pecans, pine nuts or sunflower seeds
• Try a little shredded coconut (sweetened or unsweetend)
• Substitute maple syrup for the brown sugar or the Splenda
• Use a flavored coffee creamer instead of the three cups of milk
• Use eggnog instead of the milk

There should always be a certain ration of liquid-to-oatmeal in the crock. The original recipe will make a fairly dense oatmeal, which is the way we like it at our house; we'd rather add more milk ourselves because, naturally, all four of us prefer different consistencies in the finished product. I like mine very creamy, so I add a great deal of warm milk to my bowl, along with about three packets of Splenda. My husband recklessly throws milk and brown sugar into his bowl; Meelyn doesn't want anything with raisins in it, so I leave those out and set out a little dish of raisins for those who'd like to have some. Aisling is an oatmeal fanatic and eats it however she can get it.

The cooking time is the same no matter how you vary the recipe -- three hours is generally just fine. If you're using fresh fruit,just make sure to cut it into small pieces so that it will be soft when the oatmeal is served.

The debut of The Meal Matrix

My friend Julia, whose son, Sam, is one of my favorite religious ed students, like, ever, remarked in a tone of awe when I told her that I operate my kitchen on a meal matrix, "I didn't know you could do that."

"I have to do that," I admitted. "Otherwise, I end up making chili, meatloaf and tacos over and over again and after a few weeks, everyone in my family threatens drag me out to the park and make me eat grass and wet leaves until I agree to make something else for dinner."

She wanted to know what the Meal Matrix looked like and how it worked. I thought this would be a good time for me to go ahead and type it out, not only so that Julia can see it, but so that I can get it set down permanently for myself. Because one time last winter? I thought I lost the paper I wrote the matrix on and I fell into a terrible funk and kept sending anguished emails to The Keanu Reeves Fan Club and served everyone cold cereal every night for a week. Plus the president of the fan club may or may not have taken out a restraining order against me. I can't remember. It was a dark time.

Here's how it goes:

1) First of all, I sat down and thought about the different kinds of meals we like. We like the standard beef, chicken and pork meals -- you should just try my garlicky pork roast that's been simmered all day in the slow-cooker -- and we all like breakfast-for-dinner, homemade pizza and Mexican dishes. I also decided to reserve space every two weeks for meals that I designated as Easy/Cheap, for those nights when I just don't feel like cooking, or the weeks when I'm trying a more ambitious recipe that eats up more of my grocery budget than, say, eggs on toast.

2) Next, I got out a legal tablet and made columns, one column for each menu choice. For example, one column was labeled "Chicken," another labeled "Mexican" and so on. My columns for my family's preferences were as follows: Chicken, Beef, Pork, Mexican, Soup, Pizza, Spaghetti Night, Breakfast-for-Dinner, Easy/Cheap, Seafood/Meatless and New.

3) In each column, I listed the appropriate meals for the heading. For instance, in the Chicken column, I wrote: Chicken Pot Pie, Baked Chicken & Stuffing, Julia Chicken, Crispy Oven Chicken and Chicken, Broccoli & Rice Casserole and Chicken & Mushroom Casserole. Those are all recipes that I know how to make and that we all like. I tried to make sure I had at least 4-6 items per column so there'd be some variety. In some columns, there were eight or nine different entries, which I found interesting. Obviously, I like to cook some foods better than others.

Here are a couple of notes: I added one dinner a month to try out a new recipes, my choice. I also try to make sure I have a slow-cooker meal for Sunday, because that's Mom's day of rest too and I don't want to spend it in the kitchen.

4) When I got that all figured out, I got yet another piece of paper and, in four rows, I listed the days of the week, just as you see in the picture above. I looked at all my different column headings and divided them up so that we're always eating something different -- there aren't two fish meals placed back-to-back, for instance.

Here's what I ended up with for each month:

FIRST WEEK:

Monday - Chicken

Tuesday - Beef

Wednesday - Soup

Thursday - Pizza

Friday - Seafood/Meatless

Saturday - Mexican

Sunday - Pork

SECOND WEEK:

Monday - Beef

Tuesday - Chicken

Wednesday - Breakfast-for-Dinner

Thursday - Easy/Cheap

Friday - Seafood/Meatless

Saturday - Spaghetti Night

Sunday - Chicken

THIRD WEEK:

Monday - Chicken

Tuesday - Beef

Wednesday - Soup

Thursday - New Recipe

Friday - Seafood/Meatless

Saturday - Mexican

Sunday - Pork

FOURTH WEEK:

Monday - Beef

Tuesday - Pork

Wednesday - Breakfast-for-Dinner

Thursday - Easy/Cheap
Friday - Seafood/Meatless

Saturday - Spaghetti Night

Sunday - New Recipe

I found that this is a nice way to keep everything fresh in the kitchen. I mean, with my menu-planning. If you ever find a way to keep everything fresh in the refrigerator, or learn how to avoid finding a tin of sage that's been pushed to the back of the pantry shelf and reads "Best if Used by 2-26-99," please let me know. I mean "fresh" as in, "not cooking the same things over and over" which is important when cooking for a family.

My personal opinion -- and boy, do I ever have a lot of them -- is that moms should be always trying new things once or twice a month, not only to strengthen our own skills in the kitchen, which is the heart of the home, but also to avoid falling into the kind of rut that sends children out into the world as the kind of adult eaters who are so finicky, you just want to bash them over the head with a skillet.

"I don't like rice. I don't eat eggs. No vegetables, not even potatoes. I don't like Italian food. I can't eat anything with onions in it. Why? Well, because I don't like them. Oh, and I can't eat bananas, pickles, any kind of salad dressing, food imported from Brazil, any kind of cheese because it gives me gas or soups made from a chicken broth base."

"Really? Well, would you mind telling me: WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU EAT?"

"Ummm....chicken nuggets and french fries. And maybe corn. If it's from a can, not frozen. And chocolate milk."

See, parents have a responsibility to make sure that this kind of thing is not turned loose in society. And since parents are the ones who cook, well, that means that some actual cooking is going to have to take place and we can't rely on frozen convenience foods and/or packaged items all the time. Some of the time, yes. We have to allow ourselves room to serve fish sticks and Stouffer's macaroni and cheese sometimes. But we need to PLAN and SHOP for those meals and try our best not to be flinging ourselves into the grocery store at 5:35 p.m. with a wild look in our eyes and start throwing microwave dinners into a cart. That's not going to cut it. We all wind up with headaches and everyone grumbles that dinner sucks AGAIN and it's no way to develop a child's palate into an adult's palate.

So! Maybe the Meal Matrix will help. It has helped me enormously. The original idea isn't mine; it actually came from my internet friend Johanna. But it's brilliant and it makes planning and shopping and cooking a variety of meals so much easier, you just won't believe it.

Email me if you decide to try the Meal Matrix and tell me if you think it's helped you.

RECIPE: Crispy Oven Chicken

Crispy Oven Chicken has been a family favorite since Meelyn was a kindergartener - this was what she requested for dinner on her first day of school 'way back a long time ago when she was only five and I was STILL thirty-five. Oh, wait...I'm thirty-nine now. Kind of. Never mind.

Anyway, Crispy Oven Chicken is easy to make and very delicious and goes with just about any side dish you'd care to serve with it - it leaves enough room in the oven that you can bake a broccoli casserole or roast some potatoes right alongside it and everything can come out at the exact same time, ready for the table. It has all the crispy goodness of pan-fried chicken without the guilt. Deeelicious!

Crispy Oven Chicken

Ingredients:

5 or 6 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (soaked in buttermilk to tenderize for two or three hours, if you prefer)
1 stick of butter, melted and poured into a shallow pan (I use an 8x8 baking dish)
5 cups crispy rice cereal (such as Rice Krispies)
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon poultry seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper (use 1/4 teaspoon if you prefer a less spicy coating)

Directions:

Pour rice, flour and seasonings into a 1-gallon sized plastic bag; crunch up cereal. Remove chicken breasts from buttermilk. Dredge meat in the butter and then place, piece by piece, into the bag of rice cereal; toss to coat. Place coated chicken breast in a 9x13 baking dish; repeat until all chicken breasts are coated. Press any remaining topping onto chicken breasts and drizzle the meat with any remaining butter. Bake at 350 degrees for about forty minutes or until juice run clear when thickest chicken breast is pierced in the middle with a fork.

Leftovers are very yummy when sliced up or cut into chunks and made into sandwiches for the next day's lunch.

RECIPE: Amish Lemon Squares

I posted over at Facebook around Father's Day about whether I should make lemon squares or Key Lime pie for my in-laws (I ended up making both) and a great number of people sent me messages asking if I'd be willing to share my recipes with people.

Naturally, I was all, "Well, SURE!" because I am all about being kind to people and doing nice things for them, even if I sent them a friend request that it took them over a month to answer, as if they were running a background check on me and had to wait for the results before confirming that they knew me.

I knew I should have used both my maiden and married names on my Facebook profile.

Anyway, my mother and I got this recipe from an Amish lady in either Middlebury, Indiana or Shipshewana, I can't remember which. The lady was running a little bakery out of a picturesque shed behind her house and I can't even tell you the wonders we beheld in the glass case that was set up in there. Or that she was really kind about the fact that I'd stepped in gum and left clingy bits of sticky pink goo all over her pristine linoleum floor.

We left sans gum but with this recipe, which was not really a fair trade. Especially since the lemon squares are so easy to make, but I'm sure those little bits of nasty bubble gum were a real pain in the prayer bonnet to get up off the floor.

AMISH LEMON SQUARES

Ingredients:

2 cups flour
1/2 cup powdered sugar
1 cup soft butter, plus 2 tablespoons (yes, you read that right)
4 eggs, beaten
2 cups granulated sugar
1/3 cup ReaLemon concentrated lemon juice
1/4 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix together first three ingredients in a medium mixing bowl until mixture clings; press evenly into a 9x13" baking pan and bake at 350^o for twenty-five minutes.

While crust is baking, rinse out the mixing bowl. Break the four eggs into the bowl and beat; add sugar and ReaLemon. Sift together the flour and baking powder and add to egg mixture, stirring to combine. Pour over baked crust and bake for twenty-five minutes at 350 degrees. Allow lemon squares to cool and sprinkle with a bit of powdered sugar. Cut into squares and serve.*


*In the Amish lady's pastry case, the lemon squares were about as big as my head. So depending on what you're looking for in a lemon square, whether it is a full-on sugary citrus rush or a dainter specimen you can nibble while drinking a cup of Earl Grey tea, cut them in whatever size suits your need.

RECIPE: Party Punch for the Whole Bunch

Now, isn't that a pretty bowl of punch? It is cold and frothy and yummy-sweet with all that sherbet melting in it and leaving delicious little bits of fruit at the bottom of your cup that have soaked up all the melty bits...it's like the nectar of the gods. And best of all, it is non-alcoholic, so the kids can dip into it right along with the grownups and the subsequent staggering around and giggling and then throwing up in the kitchen wastebasket they do will be totally because of their sugar overload and not because you have taken their sweaty little hands and led them down the road to drunkenness and ruin.

(If you're having a grown-up kind of festive party, though, and you want to spike it with as much vodka as you think is necessary, that's your own lookout: I don't know how much to tell you to add, however, so you might want to experiment and keep the alcohol content below the level where your party guests end up spending the night on your front lawn. That really bothers the neighbors.)

Once you've scooped your sherbert into the ring mold and got it frozen, this punch goes together in a matter of minutes. You can also experiment with different kinds of juices for a different taste (or if you want a different color of punch, say), but this is the one that I know is definitely good.

PERFECT PARTY PUNCH

INGREDIENTS:

Items needed - ring mold, punch bowl of at least 2 gallons

1 gallon sherbet, either multicolored as pictured above (raspberry/orange/lime) or raspberry

1 chilled bottle Hawaiian Punch fruit punch or similar (found in the fruit juice aisle, not the soft drink aisle - this is the size roughly equivalent to a 2-liter bottle, although I'm not sure how many ounces that is)

1 chilled bottle lemon-lime soda, such as Sprite, 7-Up, Sierra Mist or even ginger ale - you can use diet soda, if you'd prefer

1 can orange juice concentrate, thawed

2 cups sugar

1 can of chunked pineapple, drained

1 small jar of stemless maraschino cherries, drained

about a cup of seedless red and green grapes, washed and de-stemmed, optional

DIRECTIONS:

The day before you plan to serve the punch, allow the sherbet to sit out on the kitchen counter until it has softened a bit. When it is soft enough to scoop easily, spoon it into a ring mold such as a Bundt cake pan and press it down, filling the entire mold. Cover with plastic wrap and place in the freezer to firm up until the next day.

When you're ready to serve the punch, run about two inches of warm water in the sink and place the ring mold in it for a minute or so to soften the sherbet a bit. Remove the ring mold from the sink and invert your punch bowl over it, doing a careful flip so that the ring of sherbet stays in the punch bowl and doesn't throw itself to the floor. Turn the punch bowl right side up and lift the ring mold off the sherbet.

Pour the thawed orange juice concentrate into the center hole of the sherbet ring; add the two cups of sugar following. Alternate pouring the fruit punch and the lemon-lime soda onto the orange juice-sugar combination until your punch bowl is full, but not so full that it overflows when you put the ladel in the punch bowl and fill the first few cups -- I made that mistake, ONCE. Give everything a gentle stir with a long spoon.

Once the punch has been stirred, alternate pouring the pineapple chunks and cherries into the hole in the sherbet ring, starting with the pineapple because it's bigger and will form a base. You can also add the grapes into this mix if you'd like.

Carry the punch bowl to your serving table and pour into little cups for your guests, including one for yourself because it is just soooo goooood.

RECIPE: Homemade slow-cooker yogurt

#1 - Ingredients on the counter: To make your own yogurt, you'll need a large slow-cooker, half a gallon of milk (I used 2%), half a cup of plain yogurt and a beach towel. Maybe a microwave heating bag, if your slow-cooker loses heat quickly like mine does.

#2 Milk in the slow-cooker: When making homemade yogurt, the first task is to empty the half gallon of milk into your crock-pot, put the lid on, put in on the low setting, and let it "cook" for two and a half hours. That's it!

#3 - The next step couldn't be easier. Just unplug your slow-cooker and allow the milk to sit undisturbed for three hours. At the end of that three hour period, take the lid off the slow-cooker and scoop two cups of the warmish milk out into a mixing bowl. Add one-half cup of the plain yogurt (you need those live cultures in there!) and whisk it into the two cups of milk. Pour this mixture back into the slow-cooker.

#4 - All bundled up! Wrap your slow-cooker in a thick bath or beach towel and allow it to sit for the next eight hours undisturbed.

#5 - I stuck my hands under the bath towel to see if my slow-cooker was holding its heat, and it wasn't. This is a chemical reaction taking place, so if the heat falls too low, the reaction will stop and the milk will spoil. If you get it too hot, however, the temperature will kill the live cultures. The solution to this, I found, was to heat up my handy microwave heating bag (I imagine you could also judiciously apply an electric heating pad set on low) and put it on the glass lid. I heated up the microwave heating bag three times during this incubation process.

#6 - At the end of the eight hours, voilà! It's yogurt! If what you have in the slow-cooker is unthickened, something went wrong, but if you come out with an end product that is thickish and slightly lumpy, you had success. You can stir this up and eat it immediately, although it will be runny. We prefer our yogurt to have a more pudding-like consistency, so I elected to strain ours overnight.

#7 - To strain the yogurt, I lined my colander with doubled coffee filters and then balanced the colander carefully inside a large mixing bowl. This allows the whey to run off and how long you strain the yogurt depends on how thick you want it to be. For a consistency similar to store-bought yogurt, you can strain it for around two hours.

#8 - Since I wanted this yogurt to be very thick, I put it in the fridge so that it could strain overnight. In the morning, approximately five cups of whey had drained off and we were left with the most beautiful, smooth, pure white yogurt in the world. And the smell? Heavenly! Creamy, tart and luscious.

#9 - I know this looks like cottage cheese, so I wish I'd given it a stir before I took the picture. This does not have curds; this was just the initial lumpiness that resulted when I scooped the yogurt out of the colander into the bowl. But one stir was all it took and we had velvety smoothness.

I added Splenda to mine; the girls added half Splenda, half sugar. We put berries in some servings, vanilla in others. I found that I greatly like a combination of pure vanilla extract, Splenda and sliced bananas. Plain, this yogurt could easily substitute as sour cream; just add a pinch of sugar to the amount you'd like to add to your baked potato. I've read that the Greek people like their thick yogurt with honey drizzled over it. Whatever way you choose to eat it, I think you'll find it very delicious.

RECIPE: Mom's Best Easy Meatloaf

Well, we all know by now that I am definitely not a talented food photographer -- I think I'm standing too close -- but honestly, it's hard to stay away from this meatloaf. (Nice segue, wasn't it?) I found this recipe online, did the usual tinkering that we all do to make it suit our family's particular taste, and served it last Wednesday with mashed sweet potatoes and green beans.

My husband very kindly allowed me to photograph his plate before he dug in.

Meatloaf is a very cost-effective main dish to serve the family because the "filler" in it stretches out the actual meat and allows for a multi-meal allotment that any busy family cook can appreciate. One of my favorite ways to use leftover meatloaf -- other than that way called LUNCH -- is to cut it in chunks and put it in baked spaghetti as meatballs. Er, meatcubes. You know what I mean. It's very good that way.

We enjoyed this a lot and it is a much easier recipe to prepare than the other meatloaf recipe I have posted here at InsomniMom, which is titled Comforting Meatloaf and can be found by clicking this link. True, the Comforting Meatloaf recipe is one that ingeniously hides a number of nutritious vegetables from the prying eyes of your picky children. And also true, it is a variation of Martha Stewart's mother's recipe and I have to say that the late Mrs. Kostyra -- God rest her soul -- really knew her way around a meatloaf.

But this recipe? It is much easier. It doesn't require lugging out the food processor to grate all those veggies, yet it is still really, really good. I don't know -- throw in an eighth of a cup of wheat germ for some extra nutritive value if you want to. But the main point is that this is an easy recipe, one that you can slap together in a matter of minutes when you need to serve the fam a meal that has nothing to do with On-Cor Salisbury Steaks, a frozen entrée that Kayte once scolded me soundly for dishing up chez McKinney.

Mom's Best Easy Meatloaf

Ingredients:

1 pound ground beef
1 pound ground sausage

3/4 cup oatmeal (either old-fashioned or quick)
1/2 cup ketchup
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

Directions:

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Combine all ingredients in a large bowl; mix lightly but thoroughly. Spray a 9x13 baking dish with non-stick spray and put meatloaf into the dish, shaping into a loaf. Bake in oven for forty minutes. (I recommend not baking the meatloaf in an actual loaf pan because there won't be room for all the juices and they will spill out into your oven, creating a dreadful smoky mess and the smoke detectors will all go off and the dogs will bark and you'll have to gallop around the kitchen waving a magazine in the air to dissipate the smoke

Meanwhile, make the sauce. Because without the sauce, this may be somebody's meatloaf, but it can't be Mom's. Or even Dad's. The sauce makes the meatloaf and probably adds a serving of vegetables, so go ahead and pour it on.

Mom's Best Easy Meatloaf Sauce

1 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons mustard
2 tablespoons brown sugar

When the timer goes off for the first forty minutes at meatloaf cookage, drain off the fat and then apply the sauce liberally over the top of the meatloaf. Bake another twenty minutes or until the inner temp of the meatloaf reaches 160 degrees.

Allow to stand for about ten minutes before slicing. Makes the best leftovers, like, ever.

RECIPE: The best-ever pancakes, compliments of ALDI

I found this pancake recipe on the side of ALDI's Baker's Corner baking mix and it is truly the best recipe for pancakes I've ever used. I'm not saying that I'm an expert on pancakes or anything, except for eating them. Eating them, I could probably win a gold medal. Actually making them? Not so much. I mean, my adult life has consisted of adding water to a cup of pancake mix or whatever, it's not rocket science or anything.


But my family immediately liked this easy recipe. They were so enthusiastic, they wanted pancakes every day for breakfast for about a week, a task I was disinclined to undertake. But I do bust it out on the weekends, or on days like today when the girls are grumpy because every public and private school in all the surrounding counties is closed due to the arrival of an inordinate amount of snow last night. Pancakes sweeten their tempers and remind them how lucky they are to be receiving an education that includes no snow days is thorough and complete.

For your pancakes, visit your local ALDI, if you are fortunate enough to have one, and for an amazingly small amount of money:

Carlini canola oil
Baker's Corner baking mix
Friendly Farms evaporated milk
Spice Club pure vanilla extract
Goldhen large eggs
Aunt Maple's lite pancake syrup (we forgot to take Aunt Maple's picture)

Baker's Corner's Old Fashioned Pancakes

Ingredients:
2 cups Baker's Corner Baking Mix
1 large Goldhen egg
1 1/3 cups Friendly Farms evaporated milk (the conversion for evaporated milk is half milk/half water)
2 tablespoons sugar (this comes from ALDI too, but it is in my canister and not in the original packaging, so I don't know the name of the "brand")
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

Heat griddle or electric skillet to 400 degrees. If using a frying pan over top of range, set to medium-high temperature. Pour a small amount of canola oil over whatever cooking surface you're using, turning the skillet or griddle to lightly coat. Cooking surface is ready when a few drops of water dance and disappear when sprinkled on the surface.

Stir all ingredients together until smooth. Pour slightly less than 1/4 cup of batter onto the cooking surface. Cook until bubbles form on the surface (about one minute). Turn and cook until bottom color matches top (about one minute).

Serve with Aunt Maple syrup! Yummm....

RECIPE: Delicious Hot Crab Dip

Ugh, I am having so much trouble with pictures lately. I'm not sure who it is: me or the camera. Actually, I'm kind of betting on me, but still....How complicated could a point-and-shoot camera be? Isn't the whole point that you point and then shoot and your pictures turn out lovely no matter how much of an idiot you are?

Okay, that's it. I'm blaming the camera.

At any rate, here's what remains of the Delicious Hot Crab Dip I made for our Super Bowl fête and I can attest that it does indeed live up to its name. I put it together from a recipe at Allrecipes.com and one I found in an old church cookbook, casting out chili sauce and adding a little mayonnaise, doubling up the lemon juice and throwing in four dashes of hot pepper sauce.

Also, the original name of the recipe? Fantastic Hot Crab Dip. I took the liberty of inserting a different adjective. To, you know...make it all my own. You can use whatever adjective you'd like, but I hope it will be a complimentary one.

This recipe is particularly nice because it should be made the day before you plan to serve it, which means when you're expecting company, all you have to do is pull it out of the fridge, let it rest on the counter for a few minutes and then put it in the oven to warm. The overnight fridging allows the flavors to really develop -- and it's worth it -- but if you're pressed for time and need a really simple hors d'oeuvre, it can be made right before serving.

DELICIOUS HOT CRAB DIP

Ingredients:

2 8-ounce packages cream cheese, well softened
4 tablespoons butter, well softened
6 tablespoons mayonnaise

2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon garlic powder
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1/8 teaspoon salt (or to taste...I used just a bit more)
2 pinches ground black pepper
4 dashes hot pepper sauce

6 green onions, finely chopped
12 ounces fresh crabmeat or "imitation" crab meat (which is actually half crab meat/half whitefish), chopped or flaked into small pieces

Directions:

In a medium mixing bowl, mix cream cheese, butter and mayonnaise until smooth. Blend in the Worcestershire sauce, garlic powder, lemon juice, salt, pepper and hot pepper sauce. Add the green onion and crab meat and stir thoroughly.

Spray a small casserole dish with non-stick spray. Scoop the dip into it and pat down; cover with plastic film and refrigerate overnight.

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Remove casserole dish from fridge and take off plastic wrap. Allow dish to sit on counter to warm up a bit before plunking in the oven -- I had a bad experience with this once that just marked me, oh my goodness it was a horrific mess and broke one of my favorite casserole dishes, too -- maybe for about twenty minutes or so. Place dip in oven and warm for about 20-30 minutes. This thick mixture won't get bubbly, but it will get nice and soft.

Remove from oven and serve immediately with celery sticks, crackers, buttery crostini, pretzel twists, bagel chips...whatever sounds good to you.

RECIPE: Ragù Americana (American-style meat sauce)

This recipe is the one I use all the time and often refer to here on InsomniMom. It is partly my mom's, who first mined it from the 1960 edition of Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook. But it's also my friend Celia's, who lived in France and Italy for many years and Knows Things about cooking that I will probably never figure out, even if I sleep with Julia's books under my pillow for the rest of my life.

This is an easy sauce to make, makes the house smell wonderful and homey, and makes enough for two meals plus a couple of lunch portions for our family of four. It goes over any kind of pasta, although our pasta of choice is always thin whole-wheat spaghetti. You can also use half of the recipe in lasagna, and the other half in baked spaghetti or even maybe the Red Sauce and Rice casserole I've been working on (recipe coming, you lucky things!)

In Italy, "ragù" describes a red sauce made with meat, which is just what this is. I've also added the word "Americana" to the title because this is a sweet sauce; Americans tend to like a hit of sugar in their tomato-based sauces. Think of things like barbecue sauce and ketchup and you'll understand what I mean. If you want a sauce that is more authentically Italiano, just don't put the sugar in, although I'd still recommend a teaspoon or so to cut the acidity of the tomatoes.

This sauce is a super-sneaky way to add some vegetables into your kids' dinner. Process them a bunch to make them invisible, or just grate them if your peeps don't mind seeing carrots.

Ragù Americana

Ingredients:
1 pound ground beef
1 pound sausage (we use spicy sausage, but Italian sausage is also very good)
2 cloves garlic, diced (or one teaspoon of garlic powder)
1 large onion, diced

1 large can tomato juice
2 small cans tomato sauce
2 small cans tomato paste

2 carrots, grated or puréed
2 celery stalks, ditto
1 cup spinach leaves, cut chiffonade or puréed
about ten fresh mushrooms, thinly slice or puréed

1 1/2 tablespoons dried oregano leaves
1 1/2 teaspoons dried thyme leaves
1 1/2 teaspoons dried basil leaves
1 tablespoon salt
4 tablespoons brown sugar
1 bay leaf

1 cup of hot water
1/4 cup red wine (optional)

Directions:

Brown the beef and the sausage in a large Dutch oven with the garlic and onion; drain and return to the stove. Over a medium heat, add all the remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil and then reduce heat to a slow simmer, stirring every twenty minutes or so. Allow to cook on stove for about two hours. Serve immediately over pasta. If there is sauce left over, allow to cool and then put in a refrigerator container. Store for up to one week.

If you'd like to prepare this in your slow-cooker, simply omit the cup of hot water. Brown the meat ahead of time and put everything in the cooker all at once; stir to combine and cook for four hours on low heat.

************

One thing I like to do is make up small snack-sized plastic bags of the herbs and other dry ingredients ahead of time. That way, when I'm preparing the sauce, all I have to do is empty out a pre-measured bag into my Dutch oven, even though I've made this so many times, I just measure everything out in my palm anyway.

If you don't want to add the fresh vegetables, you don't have to. The sauce is much richer and more complex in flavor if you do add them, though. I made this for years and no one knew that all those vegetables were in it. It was my little veggie secret.

This sauce freezes very well. If I intend to freeze it, I pour it carefully into gallon-sized freezer bags, remove as much of the air as possible from the bag, and then freeze it flat on a baking sheet. If you divide the sauce in half, it will fill two gallon-sized freezer bags about half full.

RECIPE: Chicken & Broccoli Casserole (oven version)

I wish I'd thought to take a picture of this delicious, down-home-cookin' casserole before it got finished up -- I purposely bake it in a 9x13 dish because it makes such yummy leftovers and we really enjoy having it for lunch -- but I didn't think of it until too late. I suppose I could take a picture of my empty baking dish as proof that we enjoyed it very much? No? Oh well.

This is pure, sentimental, 1950s, back-of-the-mayonnaise jar kitschy comfort food, first baked back in the days when Mom wore an apron over her dress while she cooked; I can't eat this without thinking about June Cleaver and Marian Cunningham. I don't want to think about the calories and fat content; all I know is that is tastes good, feeds everybody and makes enough for multiple meals, so here goes:

Chicken & Broccoli Casserole (oven version)

Ingredients:

2 cans cream of mushroom soup
8 oz Cheez-Whiz (or half a large jar, whichever is easiest)
1/2 cup light mayonnaise
1 soup can of hot water
1 tablespoon lemon juice

1 1/2 cups Minute Rice, uncooked (either white or brown will work)

1 medium onion, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 can water chestnuts, diced
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper

2 bags frozen broccoli cuts, thawed (or fresh, if you'd like that better)
2 cups cooked and cubed chicken

2 cups crumbled Cheezit crackers or similar, stirred with 2 tablespoons melted butter (for topping)

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray a 9x13 casserole dish with non-stick spray. In the baking dish, stir together the mushroom soup, Cheez-Whiz, mayonnaise, water and lemon juice. Add the rice, onion, celery, salt and pepper and stir to combine. Add in the broccoli and chicken; stir to coat.

Place casserole dish in oven and bake for forty-five minutes or until bubbly. Top with crushed crackers and bake for ten more minutes. Remove from oven and serve immediately.

RECIPE: Cranberry-Pecan Biscotti

Now that we have a coffee maker, I felt called upon to make some kind of treat to go with each sweet, milky cup. Heaven knows, I'd like to just go out and buy six boxes of Little Debbie Dunkin' Sticks and let the wrappers fall where they may, but as I said earlier today, we're all watching our calorie intake and I have to keep a close eye on my blood sugar so Little Debbie and I have had to have a tearful parting, promising to get together and to stay cool and have a good summer. I comforted myself by buying Kieren four boxes of Fudge Rounds as part of his Christmas present.

I've spent some time on the internet researching biscotti and how to know a good recipe from a bad one and what goes good with coffee and would I have to have three thousand exotic ingredients, or could this just be a simple venture. After reading about twenty recipes, I cobbled together one that I thought would please the family. You can see it there above in the picture, where you also may note that I haven't yet got the technique for rolling the dough into logs and cutting it into the thin sticks by which biscotti seems to be characterized.

Here's the simple recipe, which tastes delicious, even if I don't quite have the correct shape. It's very, very simple to throw together, requires no fantabulous ingredients like the eyelash of a baby unicorn, and leaves you with very little to clean up. A keeper!

CRANBERRY-PECAN BISCOTTI

INGREDIENTS:

2 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt

2/3 cup Splenda
6 tablespoons butter, softened
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup dried cranberries

1 beaten egg
2 tablespoons of sugar for sprinkling

DIRECTIONS:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Prepare a baking sheet by lining it with parchment or by spritzing it with cooking spray.

While the oven is heating, mix the first four ingredients in a small mixing bowl; set aside.

Combine the Splenda, butter, eggs and vanilla in a larger bowl and mix until creamy. Gradually add the dry ingredients, mixing until a soft dough forms. Stir in the pecans and cranberries.

Divide the dough in half. On a lightly floured surface, take half the dough and shape it into a log with your hands, kind of like you'd do with modeling clay. The log should be about nine inches long and about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Place it on the baking sheet and repeat with the second ball of dough. Flatten both logs slightly. Brush with beaten egg.

Place baking sheet in oven and bake for 25-30 minutes, until the logs are firm to the touch and golden brown on top. Remove from oven and cool on the baking sheet for fifteen minutes. Don't turn off the oven! The dough will have increased in size, so cut both logs in half lengthwise, and then cut into shorter "sticks." After the fifteen minutes of cooling, sprinkle the sticks lightly with sugar and return to oven; bake for an additional 15-20 minutes. Remove from oven, cool and serve with coffee. Store the remainder in an airtight container.

This recipe can easily be doubled, although you may need to use two baking sheets to accommodate your extra logs of dough. The yield will depend on how long you want your biscotti sticks to be, if you see what I mean. I intend to experiment by seeing if I can make my dough logs longer, so that I can make sticks that are both longer and thinner. As you can see from my photo, they're a bit short and fat. Kind of like their maker.

RECIPE: Killian's Irish Turkey

Okay, I couldn't take a picture of my Christmas ham because there didn't seem to be anything particularly photo-licious about a ham stuffed in a slow-cooker. But would you just feast your eyes on this beauty? I pulled him out of the oven about five minutes ago -- I can see him from where I'm sitting -- and I'm telling you, that turkey smells so good, I can hardly wait for dinner tonight.

To the left in the photo are the ingredients I used for roasting the bird: one quart of chicken broth (not quite all of it is gone) for basting, two bottles of Killian's Irish Red, three sticks of butter and some salt and pepper.

I decided to use the Killian's because of an unusual roasting method Pat was telling me about: he makes the best turkey, like, EVER and he uses butter, salt, pepper and a can of Coke or Dr. Pepper or something like that. I decided to use the lager because it is made of God's own sweet barley and frankly, I'm not sure what soft drinks are made of. Besides, I thought it would be a nice experiment. If I throw some red wine in my ragù, why not some beer in the turkey? The worst that could happen, I thought, would be a really rich, smooth broth. Bummer.

Here's what I did. It couldn't have been easier:

1. I preheated the oven to 325 degrees and sprayed the inside of that big, disposable roasting pan with non-stick cooking spray

2. Unwrapped Mr. Butterball and rinsed him well with warm water, making sure to remove those mysterious packages in the neck and body cavities, which is what I didn't do the first time I roasted a turkey. Imagine my embarrassment when my mother-in-law, who was doing the carving, said, "You're supposed to take these out. Dear." Some people make gravy with the contents of those packages, but I throw them STRAIGHT IN THE TRASH.

3. Plunked the turkey breast side up in the roasting pan. Two sticks of soft butter in the body cavity, one stick of soft butter rubbed all over the outside of the turkey, which would have been a rather pleasant massage, I imagine, if he'd been alive and all.

4. One bottle of Killian's poured into the body cavity, one bottle reserved on the counter for basting. Chicken broth, ditto.

5. My turkey was 13 pounds and Butterball's instruction sheet recommended some configuration that ended up with my turkey needing to cook for three hours or so. So! Turkey into the oven at 11:30.

6. Basted that baby with a great deal of loving care and attention, just like a Julia chicken. Every half hour on the dot. Killian's and broth poured over the top.

7. Made a little foil tent and crimped it to the roasting pan at 2:00 and continued the roasting until 3:00.

8. Removed foil tent (being very careful not to be burned by the steam) at 3:00 and left in oven an additional twenty minutes to make the skin a nice, toasty golden brown.

9. Retrieved from oven at 3:20 and allowed to stand undisturbed for fifteen minutes, at which point the girls and I did a taste test. Delicious!

I carved the turkey later in the day and we had it for dinner last night, along with some rich gravy I made from the pan juices. It was a complete success and so simple. Obviously, with a good-sized turkey and the stock and lager and all, the most difficult part was taking the turkey in and out of the oven. (For basting, I just pulled the oven rack out a little bit, but I took the whole kit and kaboodle out when I made the foil tent.) Just make sure you have hot pads that have no thin places in them, you know what I'm saying?

RECIPE: Christmas Ham with Cherry Glaze

I wish I'd taken a picture of the ham I made for Christmas dinner yesterday, but I'll be the first to admit that it isn't really a picture-perfect presentation. I mean, I'm sure you could lift it out of the slow-cooker and put it on a platter surrounded by greens and kumquats and ripe cherries, but when all is said and done, you may as well just hide in the kitchen and furtively get some slices of ham onto that platter and forget your dreams of making a big show. To that end, here is a picture of someone else's ham.

This Christmas ham is one of the easiest recipes I've ever made. Since you use your slow-cooker, this method leaves your oven free for other festive components like dinner rolls and green bean casserole. Basically, all you have to do is plunk the ham into the slow-cooker, turn the slow cooker on low, stir up the glaze, pour it on and leave it to itself for about four hours, and presto! You look like a culinary genius and your family will say things like, "This is the best ham I've ever eaten."

INGREDIENTS:

1 large slow-cooker
1 pre-cooked, spiral-sliced smoked ham (9 pounds is the biggest ham that will fit in my slow-cooker, and I advise you to check out what your slow-cooker will hold well before you're down to the wire on a holiday when all the stores are closed)
cherry glaze for the ham (recipe follows)
1 1/2 - 2 cups of chicken broth
4 tablespoons of butter (reserve for later)


Spray the inside of your slow-cooker with non-stick cooking spray. Unwrap the ham carefully and place it, largest surface up, in your cooker. A nine pound ham completely fills my slow-cooker, leaving ju-u-ust enough room to put the lid on. Just barely enough. Please note that this goes against the wisdom of all slow-cooker manufacturers, who generally recommend leaving a space of about two inches between the top of your food and the bottom of your lid. If going against the manufacturer's recommendations bothers you, then put your ham in a roasting pan and warm it in your oven according to the packaging directions. If you're okay with assuming the burden of heating your ham in this manner, carry on.

Pour in the chicken broth; set slow-cooker's heat control to Low. Allow the cooker to warm up while you make the glaze.

CHERRY GLAZE FOR HAM

I found this highly-rated ham glaze at one of my favorite internet sites, Allrecipes.com. It is really a fabulous site and has a lot of nice features, like a personalized recipe box. This particular recipe currently has nineteen reviews and a five star rating, which was good enough for me.

3 tablespoons water
1/4 cup white vinegar
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1 (12 ounce) jar cherry preserves
1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg

The instructions couldn't be simpler: Spray a small saucepan with non-stick spray. Combine all ingredients and bring to a boil, stirring frequently over a medium heat. Reduce heat and allow to simmer for two minutes.

When you've finished the glaze, pour it over the ham and chicken broth in the slow-cooker, cut up the four tablespoons of butter and put them on top of the ham. Put the lid on the cooker -- my lid is always right up against the ham. Heat the ham on the Low setting for three and a half hours, turning it up to the High setting for the last half hour of cooking.

Remember, slow-cooker temps do vary. My current slow-cooker, which is about two years old, gets much hotter than my old one did. If you have a close relationship with your own slow-cooker, you'll know if this will be enough time. Because remember -- you are just heating this ham, not cooking it. Just, you know, keep your eye on it. The amount of time I stated was enough to thoroughly heat the ham into a moist and steamy yumminess and yours should turn out similarly.

Couldn't be easier and got me lots of compliments from my family, the same people who bitterly threatened a dining room anarchist movement if I served them chili once more before February.

RECIPE: Thanksgiving dressings - Cornbread & Sausage, Cranberry-Walnut and Oyster (ew)

I literally cannot believe that I made dressing this good that was so simple. And cheaty. And a total secret, so shush before everyone finds out. We can't ALL have rock-star reputations for making good dressing at Thanksgiving, so keep this on the down low.

My delicious, steamy-in-the-middle, crispy-on-the-top-and-edges dressing yesterday had one basic secret ingredient.

Are you ready for it?

Stove-Top Stuffing. That's the secret ingredient. It comes in a box and is made by Kraft Foods and if I could get my arms around their corporate headquarters? I would so be hugging them all right now. Because after three years -- three long, purgatorial years of producing one vomit-inducing pan of dressing after another at the family Thanksgiving dinner -- I have finally found a winning recipe that won compliments from everyone.

And let me tell you: the leftovers? Even better than yesterday. No more tearing up loaves of bread and baking them dry and not having a bowl big enough to keep from slopping eggy, brothy bits of wet bread onto the kitchen floor; no, it was a simple enterprise from first to last. So without further ado, the dressing, with many thanks to my friend Amy, whose granny-in-law cracked the dressing code and paved the way for all busy holiday cooks to have a little more time and a little less stress.

CORNBREAD DRESSING

Ingredients:

1 pound sage sausage, browned and chopped into small pieces

4 boxes Stove-Top Stuffing Cornbread mix

2 sticks butter

2 medium stalks celery, diced

1 medium onion, diced

4 eggs, beaten

approximately 5 cups of chicken or turkey broth/stock

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and generously butter a 9"x13" casserole dish. In a large mixing bowl, empty the four packets of Stove-Top Stuffing and set aside. In a small bowl, beat the eggs until well mixed. Melt the two sticks of butter in a small saucepan; simmer the celery and onion until both are translucent. Combine all ingredients with the contents of the STS packets in the large mixing bowl: about four cups of the broth, the eggs, the butter/celery/onion. Stir thoroughly to combine. Add more broth if mixture seems dry (it should be a bit wet; not VERY wet, but slightly wet.)

Empty the stuffing into the prepared casserole dish; cover with foil shiny side down and bake for thirty-five minutes. Remove foil and bake for twenty-five more minutes or until the top is slightly brown and crispy. Serve hot with slices of turkey and enough gravy to fill a bathtub.

CRANBERRY-WALNUT DRESSING

Ingredients:

4 boxes of chicken or turkey Stove Top Stuffing

2 sticks butter

2 medium stalks celery, minced

1 medium onion, minced

1 1/2 teaspoons dried sage

2 cups chopped walnuts

1 cup dried cranberries

approximately five cups chicken or turkey broth

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and generously butter a 9"x13" casserole dish. Empty the packets of Stove Top Stuffing into a large mixing bowl and add the cranberries and walnuts; set aside. Beat the eggs in a small bowl, set aside. Melt the butter in a small saucepan; add the sage, celery and onion and cook until translucent. Combine all ingredients in the large mixing bowl: stuffing packets/cranberries/walnuts, eggs, butter mixture. Add broth, stirring thoroughly to combine. The dressing should be a bit wet.

Turn out into buttered casserole dish, cover with foil (shiny side down) and bake in oven for 35 minutes. Remove foil and bake for twenty-five more minutes, or until the top is browned and crispy at the edges. Serve with great fanfare, because this is a truly lovely, delicious and festive-looking holiday dish.

OYSTER DRESSING (ew)

Ingredients:

1 box of chicken or turkey Stove Top Stuffing

1 egg

1/2 stick butter

1 small rib of celery, minced

1/2 medium onion, minced

1/4 teaspoon ground pepper

1/2 pint fresh oysters, minced, liquid strained and reserved in a small bowl

approximately 1 or 2 cups chicken or turkey broth

Directions:

Only if you have to, preheat oven to 350 degrees and generously butter a small casserole plate (mine is about a six-inch diameter dish); set aside. If you're absolutely certain that you must, empty the STS packet into a medium mixing bowl. Reluctantly beat the egg and add to STS mixture. In firm denial of your nameless fear, melt the butter and add the pepper, celery and onion; cook until vegetables are translucent. With a sense of impending doom, add to STS mixture in bowl. Cringing in dread, add minced oysters and the strained liquid; stir. Add more chicken or turkey broth as needed until the stuffing is slightly wet.

Fighting back nausea, cover casserole dish with foil, shiny side down, and bake in the oven for twenty minutes; remove foil and bake for another twenty-five minutes, until stuffing is golden on top and slightly crispy around the edges. Serve hot with love for your relatives who actually eat that stuff. Sit slumped in a chair with a medicinal glass of brandy. Weep.

RECIPE: Oodles of noodles

This is my VERY FIRST foodie post here on InsomniMom. Oh, how I love my digital camera, even though this picture looks weirdly blurry. Why is that? I'll have to ask Kayte. She has the same camera I do, only it is her play camera, not her real, serious camera. Anyway, maybe she can tell me why the eggs in this image look like giant cotton balls.

I also want to point out that all of the ingredients for this recipe came from ALDI except for the salt. The book is an old church cook book with the best noodle recipe in the world, which I am fixin' to share with you any second now.

I am really proud of my noodles, ever since the time I made chicken and noodles for dinner one Sunday last winter, having cheated and bought some Amish noodles at the grocery. Those Amish noodles are pretty darned good, coming straight from Das Dutchman Essenhaus in Middlebury, Indiana, a restaurant at which Carol and I once ate, if by the word "ate" you understand that I mean "stuffed ourselves with as much starchy Amish goodness as we could get our hands on."

My husband took one bite, chewed, swallowed, and then said with a decided lack of an instinct for self-preservation, "What did you do to your noodles?"

I bristled immediately, of course. "Let's see. I COOKED THEM."

"They don't taste the same," Meelyn spoke up. "Your noodles are usually really fabulous, but these are just....okay."

I brightened. "Oh! Well, I can tell you, then, that these noodles? They are not mine. They were made up in Middlebury by Amish hands."

"Well, no wonder, then," my husband said jovially. "These aren't your noodles! They're someone else's noodles! And no one -- let me repeat, NO ONE -- makes noodles with the kind of love you do, SWEETHEART."

I am a total sucker for blatant flattery.

So take that, Amish ladies! I make great noodles by hand, better than yours, my family says, and I watch television while I do it.

NOODLES

2 beaten eggs
1/2 cup evaporated milk
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups flour

Beat the eggs together in a medium mixing bowl. Add the evaporated milk and whisk until the mixture is creamy. Add the remaining ingredients, stirring with a large spoon until combined.

Divide the dough in half. Place half the dough on a well-floured piece of butcher's paper or parchment paper. Roll it out thin, thin, thin, adding more flour as necessary to keep the dough from sticking to the paper or the rolling pin. Repeat with the second half of the dough on another piece of paper.

Allow the noodles to dry, preferably overnight. I usually transfer them, paper and all, from the counter to two baking sheets, covering them lightly with paper towel. If you can't let them dry overnight, give them at least six hours or so. Or turn a fan on them to help speed up the process.

To cook, drop in simmering stock (about five cups, chicken, beef, or even vegetable) over medium heat, stirring frequently until the noodles puff up a bit and start to float. This usually takes about twenty minutes for me. The noodles will absorb a great deal of the broth, so adjust the heat of the stove down if necessary.

Serve with whatever kind of meat you like to eat noodles with. And mashed potatoes. You have to have mashed potatoes with noodles because that's just the way it is and don't argue with me because I don't make these rules. I just pass them on.

RECIPE: (Naughty) Glazed Carrots

I don't think it's a big secret here in the midwestern or southern states that Cracker Barrel has the best ever glazed carrots. They are, like, delicious. Decadently delicious. Honestly, you never knew that a humble carrot could taste so good.

Here at our house, where we are constantly occupied with the circumference of our hips and the clearness of our complexions and the state of our blood sugar, we do not often indulge in glazed carrots. Frankly, carrots are pretty good all on their own with just a smidge of butter and some sea salt, and who needs all those extra calories?

But I offer you the Coke Float Corollary, which follows thusly: Coke is good all on its own. Fizzy. Icy cold. All thirst-quenchy, sweet and sparkly. So having a Coke? That's a good thing. But if you plop a scoop of vanilla ice cream in that Coke -- and please do not bore me with your ice milk and your artificially sweetened "ice cream" because I will simply laugh in derision -- and you have something extra-special. Something that you should not drink all the time unless you want to be, well, the size of me. And trust me on this: you don't. Shut up.

So that brings us back to where we started, with the glazed carrots that have now not only have had butter, sugar and salt applied to them, but also the Coke Float Corollary, which has no discernable taste, unlike an an actual coke float, which is, like, mmmmmmmm.

*ahem*

Anyway, here's the recipe I found at Mama's Southern Cooking which we feel has the true Cracker Barrel flavor. For some reason, glazed carrots seem so right at this time of year and around the holidays, which is why we had them for dinner tonight.

2 pounds of fresh baby carrots

1/2 cup of butter

1/3 cup of sugar, or 1/2 cup of honey

1/2 teaspoon of salt

In a small pot add the carrots and cover with water. Bring to a boil reduce heat, cover and simmer over medium heat for about 10 minutes (OR steam them in the microwave for approximately 10 minutes.)

In a saucepan, melt the butter and the sugar. Add the carrots and salt. Saute over medium-low heat until carrots are fork tender. This could take anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes depending upon the size of your baby carrots. Serve and enjoy for your harvest season or Yuletide cheer.