Physician's assistant

I was thinking to myself today how lucky all doctors would be if they could all have patients like me, big baby hypochondriacs who have access to WebMD^TM and an obsessive need for self-assessment -- Could that be a lump? Is my tongue coated? Pupils disassociated? Ringing in the ears? A pain in the wrist signifying the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome? Gassy and bloated? -- because I think it would save them all so much time in boring office visits.

Patients like me could just email an enormous list of symptoms, perhaps attached as a Word document or an Excel spreadsheet, along with an accompanying list of diagnoses. Maybe the spreadsheet would be a better idea, because it could be configured as a check-off list, or perhaps a flow chart.

Maybe the first question on the list the doctor would answer could be: "If you think this patient is a crazy, self-absorbed pain in the gluteus maximus, go to the end of this survey and prescribe a potent anti-anxiety medication and take out a restraining order."

Just a thought I was having on this day, which is a day when I have a queer pain in one foot, an ache in my back teeth that could either mean sinus congestion or maybe ginguticulitis and a peculiarly growly stomach.