Sunday, January 11, 2009

Physician's assistant

I was thinking to myself today how lucky all doctors would be if they could all have patients like me, big baby hypochondriacs who have access to WebMDTM and an obsessive need for self-assessment -- Could that be a lump? Is my tongue coated? Pupils disassociated? Ringing in the ears? A pain in the wrist signifying the onset of carpal tunnel syndrome? Gassy and bloated? -- because I think it would save them all so much time in boring office visits.

Patients like me could just email an enormous list of symptoms, perhaps attached as a Word document or an Excel spreadsheet, along with an accompanying list of diagnoses. Maybe the spreadsheet would be a better idea, because it could be configured as a check-off list, or perhaps a flow chart.

Maybe the first question on the list the doctor would answer could be: "If you think this patient is a crazy, self-absorbed pain in the gluteus maximus, go to the end of this survey and prescribe a potent anti-anxiety medication and take out a restraining order."

Just a thought I was having on this day, which is a day when I have a queer pain in one foot, an ache in my back teeth that could either mean sinus congestion or maybe ginguticulitis and a peculiarly growly stomach.

1 comment:

Kayte said... are too funny with all this. All the things you have been through, no wonder you have pains!