Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Creeped out

Today I woke up to the news that American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling had been freed from the clutches of the commies in North Korea and were on their way back home, set to land in Burbank, California, where they would be greeted by their assembled families.

Lee and Ling, who were captured when they accidentally ventured over the North Korean border last March, had been assigned to twelve years of hard labor in a work camp, which is probably not NEARLY as much fun as it sounds. Euna Lee is the mother of a four-year-old daughter named Hannah, and how she endured these last four and a half months without going completely insane is a real testament to her strength of character. Both women are married, as well.

I was intrigued by the story, so I sat watching as their plane came in and watched them disembark into the arms of their weeping families. I watched Euna Lee kneel down to lock eyes with her little girl and then open her arms to offer an embrace; Hannah accepted the invitation and went forward to lay her head on her mother's shoulder. I thought I would drown in tears right there.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that the details of their release from custody had been brokered by none other than Bill Clinton.

Laura Ling made a statement to the media about their capture and release and she said, struggling to control her shaky voice, "We feared at any moment that we could be sent away to a hard labor camp, and then suddenly we were going to a meeting....We were taken to a location, and when we walked through the doors, we saw...President Bill Clinton....We were shocked, but we knew...the nightmare...was finally coming to an end."

At that moment, it was as if the aurora borealis shone over Bill Clinton. I looked at him and suddenly....loved him. And he is the divil! Oh my heavens it was the worst experience I have ever had. He was standing there off to the side in this, just, awesome suit and tie, looking extremely handsome and confident and as if he'd never considered saying, "Heeey, baby, wanna go get cozy in the galley?" to either Lee or Ling as they all made that long journey home together on the plane and I was all, like, "Bill! Buh-hillllllllllll!!! I luuuuuuurve you!!!!"

And then I was thinking, "What? WHAT??!! I am just ONE DONNA KARAN BERET AWAY from making a total idiot of myself. This is Bill Clinton!


Stepgran: Why does Bill Clinton wear pants?

Me [bitterly]: I didn't know he ever did.

Stepgran: Please play along and ask "Why?"

Me: Why?

Stepgran [smugly]: To keep his ankles warm.

Me [momentarily swallowing tongue]: Mrrrrrrppphhhhh!!!! GRANDMA!!!!

I swear, I died inside a little today, this day that Bill Clinton was, for an extremely limited time, my hero.


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