Saturday, December 11, 2010

Like, first there was a whole lot of emo and then I zoned out

We have a love-hate relationship with the Twilight series at our house: I gagged my way though all four books because I had to since the girls were so curious and all their friends were reading them; Meelyn got halfway through the final book before she threw in the (bloodstained) towel; my husband went doggedly forward until the first third of the third book like a good dad would and finally said plaintively, "These are the stupidest books I've ever read and I hate Bella so much...please don't tell me I have to keep reading them." Aisling read the first book and liked it, but only got halfway through the third book before announcing that she hates all vampires, all werewolves and all stupid, stupid girls who can't even fasten their own seatbelts, except for Spike and Buffy and Willow and Angel, of course.

That's my girl.

Anyway, it is a really cozy night tonight with the rain pouring down and preparing to turn itself into snow; I made Mexican chili after church tonight and my husband, searching for something for us all to watch, found Eclipse, the third movie in the Twilight-on-film saga, on Comcast's pay per view. He said we didn't have much of anything worth watching on the DVR and we're trying to save our Christmas movies, sooo.....

Let me tell you, that movie? It is two hours and ten minutes of pure hell. There's a whole lot of Bella having angst, and a whole lot of Edward having angst and a whole lot of Jacob having angst, but since he tends to experience his own inner turmoil while shirtless, I am kind of okay with it all. There are twenty more minutes left as I'm sitting here typing; I managed to get up from my seat, pretending that I was going to get a diet Coke and instead did a nimble side-step here to my desk.

"HEY!" they all screamed at me. "Get back in here! No fair on the computer! Big cheater!"

I remained firmly planted in my chair and called out to them with dignity: "Hey. I read ALL FOUR of those pestilential books. I dealt with Bella through several thousand pages of her goofiness and Edward's potential abuser traits and Jacob's sadness that this foolish girl wanted to go off with the vamp instead of moving out to the rez and having a litter of wolfbabies with him. I SHOULD GET A FACEBOOK BREAK."

Boy howdy. It's the last few minutes. Bella is giving Edward a big speech about how his world is her world and he's all she ever wants and she oughta know because by gosh, she's just the smartest little eighteen year old who was ever raised by a feckless mother and a clueless father. Oh my preciousness, he just put the engagement ring on her finger and the credits are rolling.

Will someone please remind me of this suffering just in case I try to watch the fourth movie?

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