I was reading a funny article at MSN.com titled 10 Things No One Tells You About Parenthood by Craig Playstead earlier today and was amused -- and then bemused -- to note that number four was that you never get to go to the bathroom by yourself again.
He mentioned that he gets no peace from his toddler son, who bangs on the door and yells, "Lemme in!" and pushes little books under the door and tries to get in the door and then finally slumps, whining, against the door. I nodded in sympathetic agreement. I've been there and then a sudden thought assailed me: "Wait a minute. I'm still there."
I don't get a minute of peace in the bathroom to this very day. Do other people's kids outgrow the need to bond with Mommy while she pees, or is it just my kids? Naturally, I don't let Meelyn and Aisling in the bathroom with me. In fact, I do everything but rip the iron bathtub from its moorings and push it against the door to deter their entry. But they still stand outside, wailing and gnashing their teeth like souls that have been cast into the outer darkness.
They press their faces into the crack between the door and the jamb, attempting to carry on slightly muffled conversations with me, asking me important things like which Jonas brother do I think is the cutest and if I know where their Mission: Mango nail polish is and why their sister is the bossiest, rudest, proton-brained person on the planet, until I feel I'm going to go mad.
Maybe it's different with boys. Maybe Craig Playstead's son will someday hear the rattle of his father's favorite newspaper behind the closed door of the bathroom and think, "You know, I need to respect Dad's privacy and give him a few minutes alone."
But maybe not. And then Craig will experience the exasperation of listen to a teenager say, "Hey Half my Pop-Tart broke mmmfffmmmn in the toaster and mmmfffffmmmmm mnfffmmmm smoke detector mffffmmnnnn and a little flame shot up and mfffmmmmnnmffffm fire department?"
I feel I've done my civic duty now to all parents of young children who think the bathroom thing is going to end. You have been warned. Soundproof that place while you still have time.
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