Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Why I should be your child's godmother

Being received into the Catholic Church at Easter Vigil 2003 was one of the greatest joys of my adult life, one gift -- a pearl of great price -- that I never expected to receive.

There have been so many blessings along the way, everything from being a religious education teacher to teaching my Shakespeare classes, gosh. There are too many to list.

There's one thing, however, that I haven't yet experienced and it's something I'm yearning for: I would love to be a godmother.

I think I may start a lobbying group to endorse myself as an excellent godmother. Here's my initial promotion strategy, offering, in snazzy bullet points, a list of attributes I possess that would make me an excellent candidate:

  • Willing at any and all times to coo over a pee-soaked pregnancy test

  • Will pray daily rosary for baby, both before and after birth, also novenas

  • Still have all my own teeth

  • Would acknowledge birthday and sacrament dates with nice Hallmark cards, not cheapos from Balloons, Etc. like I buy for other non-godchild people in my life

  • Would never consider being one of those people who tips back the head and gulps to drain the chalice dry at Mass with five people in line behind (what is up with that?!?)

  • Promises not to booty-pop during fast dance number at child's eventual wedding reception

  • Will have Masses said for baby and family on anniversaries of baby's birth and sacrament receptions

  • Will turn blind eye and step up the prayers if child ever dyes hair purple

  • Will still like child, even if he/she is not a fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Shakespeare

  • Ready to take down Community Bible Church or similar relatives in parking lot after baptism if impertinent comments are made regarding baby's salvation and/or infant baptism; can do this through well-reasoned, Scripture-centered oral argument or through pummeling - parents' choice

I think it seems like a promising campaign.

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