You go, Miss Thang!

We are avid watchers of American Idol in our house. We don't like it half as much as So You Think You Can Dance, but there you go. You have to take some rain with the sunshine.

One of the most disappointing seasons we ever watched was the one where Carrie Underwood, a country singer, beat out Bo Bice, a rocker, for the spot of America's pop idol. Carrie was outstandingly beautiful and had a gorgeous voice, but the girl had the stage personality of a can of corn. To call her "wooden" would be an insult and an injustice to all objects made of wood. She just...stood there. And sang! She could definitely sing! But up next to Bo, him with his sexy growl and his long hair and sunglasses...woo!!! He did a cover of the old 70's tune "Vehicle" on one episode that was just electrifying - it brought down the house in the television studio and in our living room, where we were all but holding up cigarette lighters and whistling through our fingers.

Carrie has done really well for herself since her win. Despite the fact that she scored big with the deplorable "Jesus, Take the Wheel," which I find nearly unforgivable. It's not that I'm opposed to Jesus -- quite the opposite, in fact -- it's just that I hate maudlin ballads, except for "Barb'ry Allen," which is old enough (about 400 years) to have earned a place of respect.

Anyway, my husband and I were in the living room a few Saturdays ago; he was getting ready to go to the gym and I was getting ready to go to the coffee maker. He was doing that click-pause-click-pause-click-pause thing that men do with the TV remote when all of a sudden, he paused on VH1 and we saw someone who was undoubtedly Carrie Underwood all dressed up in black with her hair all bleached and dark eyeshadow on. Wow. It was a totally different look from the Pretty Pink Princess thing she had going during her season on American Idol, and I have to say, she was rockin' it.

But then I started listening to the song she was singing, which had a slight country flavor to it, but not enough that I couldn't choke it down, and I was all like, whoooaaaaaa! Carrieeee! Check out these lyrics:

Right now he's probably slow dancing
with a bleached-blond trim,
and she's probably getting frisky...

Right now, he's probably buying her
some fruity little drink
'cause she can't shoot whiskey...

Right now, he's probably up behind her
with a pool-stick,
showing her how to shoot a combo...

And he don't know...

That I dug my keys into the side
of his pretty little souped up
4-wheel drive,
And carved my name
into his leather seats;

I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all four tires,

And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Right now, she's probably up singing
some white-trash version
of Shania karaoke..

Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk"
and he's a-thinking
that he's gonna lucky,

Right now, he's probably dabbing on
three dollars' worth
of that bathroom Polo...

And he don't know...

That I dug my keys into the side
of his pretty little souped up
4-wheel drive,
And carved my name into his leather seats,

I took a Louisville Slugger to both head lights,
slashed a hole in all four tires...
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

I might saved a little trouble for the next girl,
'cause the next time that he cheats...
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

Oh, no.

Not on me.


I think I might be a little bit scared of her now. Like, she might find out somehow that I was a Bo Bice supporter, so she'll come to my house in the middle of the night and pull up all my plants by the roots and knock over my Mary shrine and paint a very bad word in big red letters on the side of the house. I mean, she's got me thinking! I don't know about that poor dude in the video, but I am definitely not going to be crossing Carrie any time soon. You do not want to mess with this girl.


Would it be possible for a tiny little thing like Carrie to inflict this much
damage on a truck? Because, wow. Or maybe I mean ow. She tore the back
wheel right off the axle! Quick, let's hide...

Somehow, the director of this video managed to get her to act like a human instead of a robot, and she's either a better actress than I've given her credit for (which was none at all), or she's really enjoying this thing. Carrie sings this song with a great deal of relish, voluptuously enjoying that sensual frisson of dark glee in running her car keys down the side of her arsey boyfriend's SUV, ripping into his upholstery with the lazy pleasure of a lioness tearing the throat out of the gazelle she just hunted down and killed. I can't tell you what a different kind of Carrie this is, and despite the fact that I am completely not in favor of acts of vandalism and/or violence against motor vehicles or people, I have to say that this song really packs a wallop, coming from a sweet little Alphi Chi from Oklahoma State University. This song is all about "Jesus, Get Out from Behind the Wheel Because I'm Comin' in There With a Hammer and I Don't Want to Hurt You."

Dang, girl! I think you might have just sung the official anthem of all women who will not be cheated on, ever again. "Before He Cheats" makes "You're So Vain," Carly Simon's sneering 1970s ode to the philandering Warren Beatty, seem like something you'd sing in Sunday School.

And Carrie, that thing with Bo? Well, I didn't really mean it. You were the one I was cheering for all along. Please don't hurt me.